The Terrible Tuesday Machine

Moving on

2009-03-10T16:16:00.000-07:00

After much deliberation, I have decided to pull the plug on the blog. (I will still update our adoption blog for the time being.) My reasons are complicated and personal, but mainly have to do with the ending of a season in our life. I began with the intention of journaling the processing of T's autism diagnosis and the impact it has on our life as a family. This was for my growth, as well as providing some information for the curious. Time has passed and, while we're still not totally over the implications of T's autism, we are sort of in a holding pattern. I realize that with him in kindergarten, we're only biding our time. As he gets older, things will get more complicated because the differences with become more obvious. Maybe at that time I will take up blogging again. I also haven't felt totally safe using this particular forum, so it really remains to be seen.

That's really it for now.

S.

Perspective

2009-03-02T21:48:00.001-08:00

One of my favorite quotes is:

Two women looked through prison bars
One saw mud, the other saw stars **

As we were driving today -- a rare day with blue sky and white puffy clouds -- my 3 year-old remarked from the backseat:

"That cloud looks like garbage."

I kid you not.

**There are many variations of this quote out there. This particular version comes from Calm My Anxious Heart, by Linda Dillow

My 8

2009-03-01T17:16:00.000-08:00

I was tagged by Keren for this meme:

8 Favorite TV Shows
(I don't really watch TV, so this is a little tough. I'll just list shows I watch on occasion.)

Mythbusters
Monk
Psych
Bones
Phineas and Ferb

8 things I did yesterday

went to church
took a nap
two loads of laundry
actually had a conversation with hubby
helped teach Sunday school
cooked lunch with hubby
cried at church
sang

8 things I look forward to

summer
picking up our baby girl
ripping up our yucky carpet
meeting fellow adopting bloggers
summer
painting the nursery
having some land someday
the Lord coming back

8 Favorite Restaurants

East West Thai
PF Changs
Rio Blanco
Taco Bell
Aversano's
Hob Nob
Whistlin' Jacks
All Spice Thai

8 things on my wish list

getting our laminate floors laid down
property with some land for my boys to roam
a dog that fits our family
help on how to work with my autistic son
a house that's slightly bigger than the 1750 sq ft we have now
a washing machine that doesn't shake the whole house
a dish washer that doesn't shake the whole house
to pass Ethiopian court in 29 days

Off

2009-02-28T20:16:00.000-08:00

It has seemed for the last week or so that life is just a little bit off. You know, like out of whack. Or maybe its just me. Just as we were getting back to some semblance of normal after all the sickness -- back to work, back to school -- we were thrown a snow day. Just plopped right in the middle of the week. The roads were bare everywhere we could see, but the school district still felt compelled to delay the start of school by two hours. Ugh. Don't they know what that does to people? Not only did I miss Bible study for the third week in a row, but I had a out-of-sorts, who-messed-up-my-routine, psycho 6 year-old on my hands. What's a mama to do? Oi.

You know I'm out of sorts when I'm not excited about the Missions Conference at church. I love the Missions Conference. I always love missions-related stuff. But this year it just made me sad. Sad because a piece of me is with a child in another country. Sad because her family doesn't know Jesus. Sad because given the chance to do so, I would gladly pack up and move to another country and do what I could to show them Jesus. Sad because it seems I'm supposed to be here instead. Sad because I don't know what to do with myself here. Sad because I don't know what I'd do with my particular family there. Sad because that leaves me in limbo land where it seems my only purpose is to keep my family intact. Sad because I don't think I'm doing a very good job. Sad because I don't know how to bring God glory in where He's planted me. Sad because I wonder if my desire to participate in missions isn't just a misguided vision of how to serve God.

Boy, I sound like a mess, but really I'm not. My heart is just really heavy right now. And my mind is just a jumbled mess of thoughts.

Having my eldest child so sick for such a long time was really a strange thing to experience. When he's sick, he's almost "normal". Someone should really do some research on this. Its really true. When he's sick, his whole body just sloooows waaaay down (I joked with my mom that its what he'd be like on Ritalin -- a lump of his true self), he takes the time to be polite, he accepts affection without resorting to hitting or name-calling, he acknowledges people when they speak to him like any normal child would. And now we're not only back to his particular normal, we're back to that point in his cycle where he's at his worst. (The irony being that he loves the Missions Conference too, and has just been thrilled at the idea of participating in the kids' program. Kudos to Mrs Carter and Mrs Galle -- two of his very favorite people!) I haven't blogged about him in such a long time. I think its because what we deal with now on a regular basis is just simply too complex to describe. Sometimes its so subtle, other times its these glaring moments when I wonder how on earth he's going to function in the world. I want to blog more about it because it helps me think things through. It makes it a little less abstract in my mind, this crazy thing we deal with on a daily basis.

As we worked through the adoption process, one thing we've been told repeatedly is that we should prepare to become conspicuous. Ha. If you've ever been around our family -- especially at church -- you know we're hardly just part of the crowd. Mama's blubbering over the hymns, one boy's under the row in front of us building a fort out of hymnals, the other boy is jumping from chair to chair like a kangaroo (during service), and daddy's grinning away in spite of it all. Adding a child of another race is only going to make the party that much wilder.

Speaking of the adoption, we hauled our crazy family to Walmart today to use the Coinstar machine to count the change we've amassed through garage sales and our change drive. I should note that we had hoped to avoid the Coinstar machine, as they charge a whopping 9% on each dollar counted, but we ended up with so much change we had few options. We had been told by our bank that we could bring our change to their main branch and they would count it for us. Today we found out that wasn't true. So, it was either roll it all by hand or go with Coinstar. We had over 1000 quarters, 1000 dimes, and over 6000 pennies -- we were not going to roll it by hand! In the end, after a whole lot of clamor and an occasional audience, we totalled $467.76 in change! How about that?!

Even in my "offness", the Lord still blesses....

Again, a Meme

2009-02-23T13:48:00.000-08:00

I'm not really sure the point of this meme. Do people really care what books I've read? Anyway, its a list of books that somebody somewhere has concluded that people have read or are likely to read. My job is to put an X next to the ones I have read. So I did. I love to read and I expecially love the classics. (ie. OLDER books) There are very few "modern" books I have found that really should be put in the same category as say Austen or Dickens, but I guess these days "popular" seems to equate with "good", so they all get thrown together. And that's my 2 cents on that.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen X
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien X
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte X
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling X (almost all)
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee X
6 The Bible X
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte X
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials trilogy - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens X
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott X
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy X
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller X
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare X
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier X
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger X
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald X
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens X
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy X
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky X
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck X
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll X
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame X
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy X
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens X
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis X
34 Emma - Jane Austen X
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen X
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis X
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini X
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Berniere
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne X
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell X
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery X
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding X
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen X
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens X
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon X
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck X
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold X
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville X
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens X
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett X
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce X
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zol
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray X
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens X
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker X
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White X
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Alborn
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle X
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad X
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare X
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl X
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Seven of Seven

2009-02-23T13:22:00.000-08:00

Hooray for memes! Now I feel like I'm keeping up on my blog, when I'm really stuck as to about what to write.
Per Amy, I'm to find the 7th photo in the 7th file on my computer and write about it.
This photo was from last year on one of many trips to the Pacific Science Center. (We had a family membership and used it lots!) Here my boys are sitting in a space capsule, one of my eldest son's favorite spots at the Science Center. It doesn't move, but it very loudly simulates the sounds of taking off...which is a little strange to him since astronauts used to splash down in these capsules, not necessarily take off. But that's just him. Our youngest son braves the capsule until the noise of the rockets begins...then he bails. That's just him. Also, note that the big guy is pictured with his good buddy, Moo, who, six years later, is ever his favorite.

In recent news, we are finally coming out of quarantine today after a week and a half of sickness. The culmination was a trip to Mary Bridge Saturday night because we were very concerned about the big guy. He was on his sixth day of the flu, complete with fever the entire time. He wasn't eating and we were getting very little fluid into him. He would just lay there, to the point that we'd have to carry him from room to room. We called his pediatrician's office, concerned that he might be dehydrated. They recommended a trip to the ER. It was determined that he had an ear infection, the second in his entire life. He insisted that he felt no pain at all. (That's very much a spectrum thing.) The ear infection fueled the fever which kept him hot/cold and lacking in energy. Poor guy spent his entire mid-winter break on the couch. Daddy and the younger guy were sick too, so we basically went nowhere for 7 days straight. Ugh. SO glad we're well again!

And that's all the news from here. Really.

Bubble Boys

2009-02-18T18:27:00.000-08:00

The Flu and the Fear of Flying

2009-02-16T21:37:00.000-08:00

So, where have we been? Two words: the flu. First me, then the youngest boy, now my biggest boy --er, hubby. (He's really my biggest baby.) None of us got flu shots this year. Maybe next year we will. Its hard to say because last year the boys got them and both still got the flu. One of the two other times I've been as sick as I was this time around was a year in which I had gotten a flu shot. I can only imagine what the flu I didn't get because I got a flu shot that year would have been like. Eh. Enough about that.

One thing I have been pondering (ie. been anxious about) lately is the fact that in two "short" months I will have to board not one, but two or more airplanes to fly me across the continent, then over the Atlantic Ocean, then over a whole bunch of countries, to land me safely in a developing nation. Up until September 11th, 2001, that would have seemed like an exciting adventure. Now the very idea is enough to keep me up at night -- if I let it, of course.

I haven't always been afraid of flying. (Who really is afraid of flying anyway? Aren't we all just afraid of crashing? Aren't people who are afraid of heights really afraid of falling from a high spot?) Growing up I was afraid of airplanes crashing. I don't know why. Too much MacGuyver maybe. In the Second Grade, a friend of mine died in a small plane crash, but that didn't make me afraid to fly. Instead I was afraid/still am afraid of planes crashing from the sky. If a plane flying overhead at night seemed to make too much noise, I would either dive from my bed onto the floor, or just lay there paralyzed with fear until it had passed. These days I pause in whatever I'm doing and listen intently until I know the plane has gone.

Throughout the years I've flown all over the States, overseas to Europe, and south to Costa Rica. (The landing at our stopover in Guatemala was terrifying. I swear we bounced off the ground at least four times.) Prior to 9/11, I didn't really give it too much thought. The reason September 11th changed everything for me was not that planes were hijacked, that so many planes were involved, or even that it all took place in the United States. I think what made the difference was that for the first time I was really made aware of what the people on those planes went through. We heard about every detail and we heard it for months. It personalized it in a way that has haunted me ever since.

I have flown since then. In fact, my husband and I flew to Hawaii the following Spring. (I cried at each take-off and landing.) Each trip, however, is full of panic and anxiety -- and a whole lot of prayer. The recent plane crashes -- both the miraculous and the tragic -- haven't exactly helped my frame of mind regarding our upcoming flights. Neither does the fact that we're leaving our boys behind AND having to prepare a will of sorts as we do so.

I take comfort in God's Word, in passages such as Isaiah 59:1,"Surely the arm of the Lord is not too short to save, nor His ear too dull to hear," as well as John 14:27, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid." And Hebrews 13:5-6. And others. But I would covet your prayers in this and other anxieties that would rob me of preparing with joy for our daughter's arrival. Oh, and that flu season will end very quickly!

Sitting Still

2009-02-05T21:55:00.000-08:00

Sit still, my daughter! Just sit calmly still!
Nor deem these days -- these waiting days -- as ill!
The One who loves thee best, who plans thy way,
Hath not forgotten thy great need today!
And, if He waits, 'tis sure He waits to prove
To thee, His tender child, His heart's deep love.

Sit still, my daughter! Just sit calmly still!
Thou longest much to know thy dear Lord's will!
While anxious thoughts would almost steal their way
Corrodingly within, because of His delay --
Persuade thyself in simple faith to rest
That He, who knows and loves, will do the best.

Sit still, my daughter! Just sit calmly still!
Nor move one step, not even one until
His way hath opened. Then, ah then, how sweet!
How glad thy heart, and then how swift thy feet
Thy inner being then, ah then, how strong!
And waiting days not counted then too long.

Sit still, my daughter! Just sit calmly still!
What higher service could'st thou for Him fill?
'Tis hard! ah yes! But choicest things must cost!
For lack of losing all how much is lost!
'Tis hard, 'tis true! But then -- He giveth grace
To count the hardest spot the sweetest place.

-- J. Danson Smith, from today's reading in Streams in the Desert (Cowman)

Please Pray

2009-01-29T16:53:00.000-08:00

Would you please pray for us? We are needing to give up our dog, Rose, this weekend. We've had her for a year, but things are not working out in a number of ways. Its long and complicated, but we have tried so many things to NOT come to this point. We will be trying to explain it to the boys tonight. Saturday we will take her back to the rescue organization from where we got her. Please pray for ALL of us. This is a very hard thing for our family.

25 Things

2009-01-26T16:16:00.000-08:00

I've been tagged by Mandi to post 25 random things about me. At least I think I have. I've got a pretty common name. Anyhow, here goes:

1) I interned in a juvenile detention facility and I liked it.

2) I've been enrolled at 6 different colleges, but only have a 2-year degree. Someday I'd like to change that.

3) I worked at Dairy Queen for two days in college.

4) I've been to Mexico, Costa Rica, Denmark, Austria, and Germany.

5) I could probably eat Taco Bell every day...but it would be bad for me.

6) I didn't get my driver's license until I was 19.

7) I have screws in my neck where two vertebrae were fused together.

8) I hate flying. If I could drive to Ethiopia I really and truly would.

9) I did the grunge thing in high school/early college.

10) I have a tattoo of a dove on my right shoulder.

11) I love Russian classic literature. (eg Tolstoy and Dostoevsky)

12) I dyed my long, beautiful, blonde hair red in college. Its never been the same since.

13) I enjoy writing...non-fiction.

14) My husband and I dated a month before we got engaged.

15) I love roller coasters.

16) I had c-sections for both my son's deliveries.

17) I don't like feet or anything to do with feet.

18) I didn't carry a purse until I had a child.

19) I've always wanted a Jeep.

20) I love the beach...even Washington beaches. Rocky, pebble beaches are my favorite.

21) My favorite passage in the Bible is Psalm 103.

22) I'm 1/2 Italian.

23) I really like suspenseful movies...but I usually figure them out before the end.

24) I love Thai food.

25) I really, really, really can't wait to bring home my baby girl!

Angela, Amy, Susan, and Becky E -- you've been tagged!

Wordless Wednesday

2009-01-21T15:46:00.001-08:00

(What?: slippers -- Why?: Daddy is very silly)

It was the Best of Times...

2009-01-18T21:36:00.000-08:00

And, yeah, we've had some pretty rough times too.

Its been a long time since I've actually sat down to write a post of real consequence on here. The past month or so has really been a roller coaster of moments for us. Obviously, we had our referral two weeks ago. That was one of those moments, like the birth of a child or a wedding day, about which you dream and plan and then the real thing is totally surreal and nothing like you'd imagined. A year ago we hadn't even thought about re-starting the adoption process, now there's no turning back!

At the same time, my husband and his brother have been working tirelessly on the manuscript for their new novel. Is "tirelessly" even the right word? It has been a huge undertaking. They are behind schedule due to so many unforeseen things that life threw our way, and are now working at a feverish pace to catch up. So, no, I don't think "tireless" is the right word. They are very tired! And we, their families, are too. It has been a difficult sacrifice on our part. Little boys don't do well for extended time without their daddies. And a boy with autism even more so. My husband and brother-in-law took a week and holed up in a rental house on their own so they could work whatever crazy hours their creativity required and not be disturbed by the phone calls and emails that normally follow two self-employed businessmen. I stood up straight and tall and braced myself for a challenging week, telling myself that although it would be far from normal, I needed to try to maintain some sense of normalcy for my boys and that, my goodness, it wasn't like my husband was being shipped off to Iraq for months on end like some women have to endure. Well, as it turned out, our house became its very own Iraq. Okay, so maybe that's exaggerating a little bit...but it really was ugly. There was screaming and there was crying...and it wasn't just me! It was not a good week in our home. In the meantime, I was trying to complete our referral packet as much as I could on my own, all the while feeling like a real schmuck for thinking I could/should bring such an adorable baby girl all the way across the Atlantic Ocean to such madness as there could be found in our humble home. Did I mention that the floods that made national headlines took place that very same week? Oy.

Our nutty family is all back together now, though Hubby continues his crazy hours. Today we were finally able to attend church for the first time in weeks. This we took on with mixed feelings. Our church has recently undertaken a merger with another church nearby. My husband and I support the church leadership in this move, but it is not without its own hardships. It had been ages since I felt at peace at any particular church, the last few I attended having undergone some serious troubles. Our current church revived my spiritual life in a way no other church had, and I felt safe there. It was very hard to attend the new, combined church this morning...for all kinds of reasons. Oh, I was worried for the boys -- how would my eldest, so wound up in routine and predictability, respond? (We have had to sit in roughly the same seats for the past year or so to avoid major meltdown.) How would the youngest, so clingy and unsure of himself, do with teachers he didn't know? But they ended up faring much better than I! Let's just say its going to take time...and some serious dying to self.

Speaking of our eldest son, he continues to do well at school. He couldn't wait for Christmas break to end so he could return. His teacher (and more importantly, the resource gal) have apparently felt no further need for the behavior charts they used before. We haven't seen one come home in weeks. He had a substitute for three days last week with nary an issue -- a huge deal for him. He had his first field trip and an assembly (all in one day, no less) and came home without issue. If only things functioned so well at home! We do rejoice, however, in the progress he has made.

The boys are very excited for the arrival of Baby Jo, as we have called her for years now. Today, as we drove to church, we were chatting about how far away she lived, trying to create an image in the boys' minds of where she would be coming from. A few months back we had happened across an IMAX movie in Seattle about the Nile River, which actually flows north into Egypt from the Blue Nile in Ethiopia. Hubby reminded the boys of the movie and mentioned that Baby Jo lives (relatively) near the mighty Nile River. That got a huge response: "What?! Wow! We are getting the coolest baby!" exclaimed our eldest. Indeed, Hubby responded, the Nile River was were Baby Moses was found. "Oh my gosh!" said the eldest again, "We are getting the best baby ever!" It was pretty precious. Let's just hope he has the same attitude when his poor sleep-deprived parents stumble off that airplane!

I am, I said

2009-01-13T16:24:00.000-08:00

I am: eager to bring home my baby girl
I think: sex offenders should be locked up for good
I know: God is good
I want: my boys to know God's love
I dislike: the irony of people judging all believers to be judgmental
I miss: the sun!
I fear: harm coming to my boys or husband
I hear: a Higher Calling
I smell: dinner cooking
I crave: coffee
I cry: when I sing hymns
I search: for lost toys on a daily basis
I wonder: when we'll travel to Ethiopia
I regret: neglecting friendships in college
I love: road trips
I care: about the cleanliness of my home
I always: check the news each morning
I am not: very brave
I remember: the trials God has brought me through
I believe: the world is getting worse, not better
I dance: only in my dreams
I sing: despite the protests of my sons
I don't always: drive the speed limit
I argue: only in writing
I write: less than I would like
I win: word games
I lose: patience with reckless drivers
I wish: the Lord would come back soon
I listen: to hymns AND classic rock (!!)
I don't understand: the economy
I can usually be found: at Target
I am scared: of flying
I forget: my coupons when I get to the register
I am happy: when my family is together

(meme courtesy of Michelle A and Keren F)

Our Best Holiday Photo

2009-01-07T21:02:00.001-08:00

Yes, its our first official PINK gift. And you can well see what the boys thought of it!

My apologies for the lengthy absence! There is a multitude of reasons for it, not the least of which being Monday's news. We were also out of town, now Hubby is out of town -- We have an alarm AND a German Shepherd (sort of) if any bad guys are reading this! -- and we'll be going out of town again. Please pray for us. Life is full of good things right now, but it is not without its challenges. Perhaps next week will bring more freedom to wax poetic on our crazy household....

Merry Christmas to All

2008-12-24T10:22:00.000-08:00

Who needs Santa Claus when you have a stuffed cat?*

*The most beloved of Valley Bible Church Christmas decorations. For the record, my 3 year-old was an innocent accomplice in the program night shenanigans.

Housebound - Day 5

2008-12-22T13:10:00.000-08:00

Or is it 6? I've lost track of time. We're running low on food and I haven't had coffee in a week. Tough times, people, tough times.

So, we've got a foot or more of snow here. I'm always impressed at how immobilizing it is in this region to have snow on the ground. Of course, it would help if our snow chains weren't at my in-laws'.

The first two days were too bitterly cold to actually enjoy being outside -- and both boys had bad coughs -- but we did manage to make it out the last couple days. Yesterday we attempted tubing at the neighborhood park, but it was very windy. Hubby and our eldest had a good time, though. Today is simply beautiful; its sunny and the snow is actually soft enough to play in. That being the case, its time to post some pictures:

Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say

2008-12-16T22:00:00.000-08:00

"It was really the best Christmas present ever -- even better than hearing about our baby girl. I would gladly postpone our referral in exchange for that moment. I really would."

I wrote that yesterday in response to my son's Christmas program. Little did I know -- or maybe I did know deep down -- that we weren't likely to get our referral before Christmas, that it really would be postponed.

We found out today that there is little chance of a referral before early January. I spent a significant amount of time grieving the loss of that hope this afternoon before I remembered what I had written yesterday. So ironic. Now, as I'm consciously choosing to move on and rejoice in the blessings of what I do have this Christmas, I realize that I really did mean what I said. The countless mountains that God has moved in the life of my son are a testament to what God can and will do in the coming year, and that reminder Sunday night was necessary to get me through the news of today.

Speaking of irony, consider what I wrote this time last year. And if that wasn't enough, there is this. I am simply awed by where God has brought us in just one year and humbled to think of what the next year might bring...starting in early January.

In the Meantime

2008-12-16T13:53:00.000-08:00

Another reason why our daughter needs to come home soon:

I mentioned to our 3 1/2 year-old the other day that I hoped he starts using the potty soon because I don't want to have to buy two packages of diapers each month once his sister comes home. So now he has been announcing with each diaper change, "I'll start using the potty when Baby Jo (our temporary name for her) comes." Too bad I can't get that in writing! Before that he would always say that he will only try the potty on Sundays. He never followed through on that one.

Last week when he couldn't find one of his stuffed animals I told him to go check the large box in the play room -- where the vast majority of the stuffed animals have lived since we moved...three years ago -- he returned shortly thereafter and announced, "It wasn't there. Or at least it didn't appear to be."

And the "beard" was not planned.

All I Really Want for Christmas

2008-12-15T16:00:00.000-08:00

Sunday night was the children's Christmas program at our church. The kids had been preparing for it for months. Our boys, well, not so much. The eldest felt strongly about being with the other kids when they rehearsed, but it was really up in the air whether or not he would actually participate. The wonderful gal coordinating the whole thing works very well with him, knows his quirks and moods, etc. She would mention to us on occasion that he was really singing out on the songs and knew the words. We were pleasantly surprised, but cautious in our expectations. When the final rehearsal came, he burst into tears and refused to join in, but I think this was mostly due to the schedule change -- it occurred during the usual Sunday School hour -- than anything else. The afternoon before the performance he wavered back and forth between vowing to do nothing but watch, and insisting that he wanted to be onstage with the other children. (He had been given the job as Row Leader, the one to lead his row on and off the stage, and thus felt a great amount of responsibility to be there.)

We had no idea what to expect, but I don't think we really expected what happened. I simply cannot put into words how amazing it was to see our child bellowing out the words to one of my very favorite songs. Hubby and I both cried. It was really the best Christmas present ever -- even better than hearing about our baby girl. I would gladly postpone our referral in exchange for that moment. I really would.

(Sorry the video isn't very good. You can actually barely see him -- just his head above the heads of the audience, with the little girl's red dress behind it. I don't think it helped that hubby and I were emotional wrecks. And we didn't have the best of seats. But if you listen closely, you can hear him above the other voices. If anyone out there has better footage, please let me know.)

See Site for Details

2008-12-05T21:11:00.000-08:00

There is some really exciting, really scary news over at our adoption site!

Its Christmas Time

2008-12-05T21:07:00.000-08:00

Zoo Lights

2008-12-03T11:52:00.000-08:00

Every year one of our local zoos decorates its grounds with lights for Christmas time. Then they charge you $7 a person to go see them. <--- this is a jab at my dear hubby, who took me 8 years ago, a time when I thought they were "lame". But, in my opinion, the zoo has either improved its offering quite a bit, or maybe I just appreciate things a little differently now. In ay case, we went with my parents and had a very nice time. The boys thoroughly enjoyed themselves, of course. Its not every day one gets to run around a zoo in the dark.

Ascent to the Golden Bushie

2008-11-30T20:38:00.000-08:00

Years ago -- I can't remember how many exactly -- my hubby and eldest son, who must have been quite little at the time, summited the hillside of our neighborhood to a particularly large shrub my son dubbed, "The Golden Bushie". If I recall, it was one of those days where father and son needed some time outside together and mommy needed some quiet time at home. It was pre-little brother. Or at least, pre-mobile little brother. The Golden Bushie is remarkable in that in Fall it stands out on the green hillside due to its golden, yellow shade. It is also, for some strange reason, flanked by several madrona trees. (One doesn't usually see too many madrona trees this far inland. Of course, we have a decent amount of seagulls around too. Go figure.)Anyhow, since that time we have walked the woods and hills behind --in front of?? It depends on where you're coming from... -- our neighborhood on numerous occasions, but have never again been able to reach this elusive location. Until two Saturdays ago....

After parking at the trailhead about a mile from our house, we trek down the trail and head into the woods...determined to reach our goal.

Little Brother isn't so sure about all this...

Big Brother is game for any adventure...

Emerging onto the grassy hillside, Mommy takes up the rear, with dog in tow...

Big Brother forges his own path...as usual

Snacks: Don't leave home without them.

The men break off from Mommy, whose still-weak ankle won't let her climb steep hills, leaving her with the dog, the camera, and a cell phone... Little Brother is actually riding baby-gorilla style on Daddy's back by this point.

Objects in this photo are FARTHER than they appear...but they are getting CLOSER to their goal!

Success! If you look closely to the left of THE Golden Bushie, you can see Hubby...

Zooming in, a shot of the happy climbers.

And we even made a friend...

The End!

Wordless Wednesday

2008-11-26T15:52:00.001-08:00

(You'll get it if you've seen Kung Fu Panda.)

A Great (Wolf) Vacation

2008-11-25T17:09:00.000-08:00

We had a wonderful trip to the Great Wolf Lodge last week. I think I was the person most reluctant to leave. T had such an amazing time. He was totally in his element -- literally. We could have left him in the wave pool for 48 hours straight and he would have been thrilled. Talk about sensory heaven! He willingly took on every slide for which he was tall enough, a bazillion times. He would have gladly tried the Tornado, but alas, he was too short. We splurged on the lodge's Magiquest game -- and it was well worth it. The boys got wands with which we completed a series of quests and adventures. There were interactive items (eg. animals and paintings) all throughout the lodge. Wave your wand at the item and it gives a clue or results in a a stage of a quest being completed. By the time we left, we were Master Magi! Our room was perfect -- the boys had their own decorated bunkbed area and we had a fridge and microwave. Wolves, water, wands and wonderful boys, what more do we need?!

Sorry it took so long to get the photos up. And the ones we have aren't super. The problem with a lodge is the lighting is...well, lodgy. Many of our photos are just too dark to enjoy. And the flash gave everyone red eyes. so I had to go in and edit that out. I was also sort of grieving the end of the trip, like I mentioned. T was SOO happy and mellow and pleasant...meaning everyone was relaxed and enjoying each others company. It was sad to leave knowing that it would mean a return to the struggle that it every day life. But such is a real vacation. A break from the norm. For once we really got to experience that...and I'm extremely grateful.

A Very Merry Unbirthday!

2008-11-19T09:09:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is the 6th birthday of my big, bouncy boy! We, however, won't be here. We're heading south to the Great Wolf Lodge! What better present for a boy whose favorite thing in the world is water than a trip to an indoor water park?? Its also likely our "last hurrah" since we are now Number 7 on the wait list! (And we're getting poorer by the minute -- before we leave town we have to pick-up our minivan...for $404! Yuck!)

Love you so much, Big Boy! Happy birthday!

Neurotypical Vs Not-So-Typical

2008-11-14T21:47:00.000-08:00

There are certain moments when I catch myself marvelling at the differences in my two boys. The youngest is three and a half now, which is about the age where with my oldest I really had started to conclude that something was wrong. There were glimmers of it before that time, but it wasn't really concrete until age three. Having the neurotypical (ie "normal") child second obviously offers only the benefit of hindsight in that regard; "normal" behavior of the second child shows what was missing with the not-so-typical first.

Some differences are glaring, as in the pitiful stages of separation anxiety. Boy #2 leans to the extreme on this one -- he's still very clingy when it comes to his mommy. His brother, on the other hand, never shed a tear over being left in someone else's care. He usually cried when I returned to pick him up. (That's a transition issue.) Mostly he never seemed to care where I was at all. If he needed something, he would simply improvise a way to get it. (He has since learned, much to my chagrin, that if he hollers for something he might avoid having to work at getting it himself.)

Today I experienced one of the more subtle examples of something else that was missing: conversation. My younger son has developed a love for hot chocolate. He would much prefer my coffee, but this is an acceptable compromise. This morning I decided to join him in a cup and sat down beside him at the table. The little guy proceeded to tell me all about the previous evening at AWANA club, how he gets sad when I leave him with Grandma, and so on. He asked if I get sad too when I leave him, to which I replied that yes, I often miss him very much. As our conversation continued in this way, I was struck by its shocking novelty.

Ever since his brother started kindergarten this year, I have been surprised at how much the little guy talks. (And talks. And talks.) In fact, I have remarked about it on several occasions. But over that cup of hot chocolate this morning I realized that the kind of conversations I envied between other mommies and their children were actually happening to me. All that talking he's been doing is normal. It wasn't normal to hold a one-sided conversation with a silent child. (And, oh, I talked and talked to that child! Being the quiet type, I was so worried that he would be lacking interactive conversation, so I talked about everything I could possibly think of....) As he got older, the silent child spoke more often. But I realize now that he never shared feelings or thoughts about his experiences. He asked questions. Repetitively. One after another. He never responded when spoken to...until about age four when he would respond with a squawk and a smack to the stomach before bolting from the room.

Its funny to feel like a new mommy when you're raising your second child. There have been so many milestones, most of them subtle, that we simply never had with our eldest. Right now I'm working on potty training with our three year-old. His brother potty trained himself in one day when he was nearly four. Never an accident, never big-boy underwear by day and pull-ups by night. Diapers to underwear in one day -- just because he wanted to. Even then I knew that was unusual! I have no idea what to expect this time around. I do know that I got off easy the first time around, at least on that one account.

Today, when I hugged my soon-to-be-six year-old before I sent him off to school, I told him that I loved him. For about the fourth time in his entire life he actually responded -- he said "Me too."

_________

** I just realized that this is my 99th post. Am I supposed to do something interesting for my 100th? Any ideas?

Baker, Baker

2008-11-13T15:54:00.000-08:00

I have a confession. I hate to cook. Always have. Yet, it is necessary for me to do so for my family's survival, so I have learned the basics and do the best I can. Baking, on the other hand, holds more interest to me. The problem with baking is that I simply don't have time to do it very often. Oh, I bake my boys' birthday cakes, cupcakes, and the usual potluck brownies, but I don't often get to do much more than that.

A short time ago -- 10 days to be exact -- I was given an Amish friendship bread starter from a Bible study friend. (If you're like me and have never heard of Amish friendship bread before, think of it like a chain letter in the form of bread dough. Someone gives you a starter mix in a Ziploc bag, you take it home and mush it around for a certain number of days, then add some ingredients to multiply it into four starters and batter. At this point, you'll have three starters to give away, one starter to keep for yourself, and batter to make into two loaves of bread.) Well, I faithfully mushed that little starter for the required number of days, then today the little guy and I got to turn it into its doughy destiny. As you can see by the photo, I am so pathetic in the cooking/baking world that I had to scrounge for pans to use! Hey, at least I had the ingredients on hand. Tonight we'll find out how successful we were....

So, Becky E, does this make me in the dough-know??

Wordless Wednesday

2008-11-12T18:08:00.000-08:00

Happy Veteran's Day

2008-11-11T08:54:00.001-08:00

Remember the boy who just a year ago would only draw a scribble? The above was his response to the Veteran's Day assembly at school. (For the record, the people on the ground are soldiers crawling.) Thanks be to God for my amazing boy and for the men who willingly fight for the rights we take for granted.

In honor of my father, grandfather, and other family members who have served....

Where am I?

2008-11-06T21:14:00.000-08:00

This is my third attempt at posting in the last several days. Honestly, I haven't been able to form a solid, concrete thought about anything in weeks. Its not as if we've been busier than normal, but rather the things we have been busy with have all carried significant weight, thus requiring more energy than normal.

My mother-in-law had fairly serious surgery, which was successful in a way, but it brought with it a series of other issues that have been difficult for her to endure. We, her family, have been doing our best to surround her with encouragement and help where we can. Its hard to watch her suffer.

Things have improved to a certain degree with our son's school situation. They seem to believe that the behavior plan is working. I'm not so sure. I would be more inclined to believe that we're just on the upswing of whatever cycle we're dealing with here. Truthfully, I think some of his behavior has stayed the same, but the way they are charting it makes it appear that it has gotten better. He's still bopping his classmates on the head, he just doesn't get a card for it. Instead its one sad face for each incident. I don't know. We're still working on it.

We had his annual IEP review this past Monday, which went reasonably well. I expected more cluelessness from the one gal with whom we've had some trouble, but she was decidedly less flippant about his behavior this time around. The goals she had created for him were pretty reasonable and I was relieved to find that she didn't expect him to achieve them all in some ridiculous timeline. His teacher remains our true ally -- I love her! What a gift! After the others had left, she made a point to keep us around afterwards to share with us the ways in which he was succeeding and growing and giving to the class. That meant so much. One of my biggest fears is that she would file him away as her problem student. Instead, it was clear that, apart from some obvious issues, he really is doing well in her class. (Can we say advanced reading group?? Yay for him!)

One negative on the school front: his bus has been late -- I mean, after-school-has-already-started late all week! Apparently there have been different substitute drivers each day. We've had to drive him every day, which would normally not be a huge deal, but it really throws things off -- especially for him. For a child dependent on routine, its big.

And then there's the election. I won't even go into the national stuff. However, I must comment on our local races, specifically the one involving my father-in-law. I am saddened to report that he did not win. The hardest part about the loss is seeing it in the wake of all the hard work he put into the race. This man put body and spirit into his campaign, literally. He doorbelled for miles and insists he walked enough stairs to equal a tower of the (former)World Trade Center three times. (I believe it.) And he did it all on donations from family and friends. No party sponsorship here, folks! Tuesday night found us at a small gathering of family, friends and volunteers from his campaign. It was agonizing to watch the votes being counted so very slowly and seeing the race tip in his opponent's favor, but he maintained such a kind spirit through it all. We are very, VERY, proud of him and all for which he stands. The 47th District doesn't know what they're missing.

In other news, we finally received our camera back from wherever it was we had to send it to have it fixed. This is actually significant to report because it will single-handedly enable me to participate in Wordless Wednesdays again. And, yes, my posts will have pictures again. That way you won't have to just take my word for it when I report that, indeed, my children did look adorable in their (un)Halloween costumes. Sigh.

In the meantime, absolutely nothing is happening in our particular adoption circumstance. We do know, however, that it is entirely possible (though not that common) for a family to go from Number 8 to Number 1 in a matter of weeks, so it is a bit of a giddy time. To that end, I recently purchased 25 baby bottles from the dollar store. Not for the baby directly, mind you, so don't go all anti-BPA crazy on me. Rather, we hope to start a change drive very soon. Like, as soon as we can get the bottles labeled. We will also be sending out a letter later this month detailing other ways we plan to raise funds. Really. We will. I just need to tell my husband.

In the meantime, look for more pretty posts ahead. Hopefully in a shorter amount of time.

Great Balls of Fire

2008-10-27T20:16:00.000-07:00

Our eldest has been quite intrigued with the happenings of the Pentecost these days, courtesy of his Children's Church teacher. For example, we've been asked numerous questions about how the apostles were able to be understood by people who spoke different languages. I suppose this would be a hard concept for a very literal fellow, much like many concepts that we believers take for granted.

Tonight as we drove in our van, hubby was following behind in his truck. Despite my assurances that daddy was indeed there, our youngest was very concerned about whether or not daddy was actually behind us and expressed his desire to remove his car seat buckle so he could turn and see for himself. I told him that, no, he could not unbuckle. Then, I proceeded to explain that he would just have to trust that daddy was indeed behind us in his truck, much like we have to trust that God is there even though we can't see Him. While his younger brother pondered my impressive analogy -- or became distracted by something else, most likely -- the eldest spoke up, in typical random fashion, and asked why the apostles had "fire balls" over their heads. Thankfully, I am well acquainted with random associations and knew immediately that we were back to the Pentecost.

I explained that, in my understanding, the flames were there as a sign of the Holy Spirit's presence with the apostles on that day.

"Why were there balls of fire?" he queried.

"I'm not sure," I said, "but I think it was just something God used to show that the Holy Spirit was with the apostles."

"What did the fire balls do?" he asked, probably thinking of some defensive weapon from a cartoon.

"Well, they were just there above the people's heads...and I think they went away soon after."

"They went away?" asked he.

"Yes, I think God just used them as a sign for that one occasion, the first time the Holy Spirit had come," I explained. "But the Holy Spirit was still with them, just like the Holy Spirit is with mommy and daddy because we chose to love and follow Jesus."

Silence.

"And some day hopefully you'll choose to love and follow Jesus, too, and the Holy Spirit will be with you too, " I continued.

"Will I get a ball of fire too?" he asked with excitement.

"No, I don't think so," I said.

"Ah, man! I want a ball of fire!"

Yeah, I bet!

Phases of the Moon

2008-10-24T15:47:00.000-07:00

Things have gotten a little bumpy at school the last few weeks. After weeks staying "green", we've seen a huge increase in "orange" days -- not just a warning, but actual timeouts. I'm not entirely sure what brought about the change. I know he was moved to a different spot for carpet time. The teacher also rearranged everyone's seats. There were also a few days in there where there were substitute teachers.

Anyway, he won't tell me why -- he says he forgets -- and I wasn't receiving any communication from the school. I sent a note to his teacher requesting a note in return on the days when he reaches that level of consequence, but still wasn't hearing anything. Finally, I emailed her expressing concern. She wrote back promptly saying that she and the resource room gal had decided the day before to implement a behavior plan. She explained that he had been exhibiting a lot of physical behavior/aggression -- though not necessary in anger, just a lack of control when it came to hitting -- which had resulted in the timeouts. He's very remorseful, she says, but only when she talks with him following the timeout.

Let me stop a moment to say here that hitting has been a huge problem with him from the moment he could move. Before he could talk, he would greet children and adults alike with a nice smack to the chest. More bizarre, he would reach out an swat strangers as he walked by when we were out in public. Obviously, we were not pleased and tried everything we could think of to teach him to stop. We still do. And we certainly don't condone it. This behavior -- and its perseverance despite so many interventions -- was a significant factor in our pursuit of a diagnosis. We are baffled as to the true motivation behind it -- though we know it stems from his lack of social skills/communication. There may be a little bit of sensory stimulation involved as well. The most bizarre thing about his hitting is that it comes and goes in phases. He will go weeks at a time without a single incident, then, without warning, he'll go into a week-long hitting frenzy. In recent months we have also seen a corresponding increase in classic autistic hand-flapping behavior. This too disappears for a significant length of time, only to show up unexpectedly.

Perhaps there is something to the theory of the phases of the moon having an affect on someone's behavior. Not being the superstitious type, I would dismiss such an idea if I hadn't seen it in action so many times. (My mom and I both have worked in the junior high discipline arena and can readily attest that there is a significant increase in naughtiness when there is a full moon. She has also noted that many kids will offend cyclically, for example, on the 8th or 9th of each month. And I have never met an ER nurse or OB/GYN who would say there wasn't an increase in visits during a full moon.) I haven't really kept track of the moon, or much of anything else outside general circumstances, when it comes to the cycles of my son's behavior...but maybe I should start??

Prayers for Grandma

2008-10-19T22:14:00.001-07:00

My mother-in-law is having complicated surgery in the morning. I post this more as a reminder to myself to uphold her in prayer than anything else, but do please pray for our boys' grandma, my husband's mother, as she undergoes this surgery and faces a possible lengthy recovery. We love you, grandma!

Itsy Bitsy Pumpkin Patch Pictures

2008-10-15T17:00:00.000-07:00

These arrived by email, so they are in a compressed form. But you get the idea. And yes, my mom and I (in the two top pictures) differ only in hair color. Aren't we cute? I have her to thank for the photos...among many other things!

Weight/Wait

2008-10-13T21:40:00.000-07:00

Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
Toward home, a land that I've never seen
I am changing
Less and less asleep
Made of different stuff than when I began
And I have sensed it all along
Fast approaching is the day

When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you

There's distraction buzzing in my head
Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
But I've heard rumours of true reality
Whispers of a well-lit way

When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you

You make all things new

When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet
When time and space are through I'll be found in you
When time and space are through I'll be found in you
When time and space are through I'll be found in you

-Shadowfeet, Brooke Fraser

Why do I feel so suffocated by the world right now? I am weary with all the political fighting and cruelty in the media -- on both sides. The media is obviously not the place to go when one needs to be cheered up, but these days its just that much worse what with all the finger-pointing, deceit, and downright arrogance. Its simply depressing. And it certainly doesn't make me want to vote for anybody. Its frustrating not to be able to just know the truth. Who can I trust? Isaiah 2:22 tells me, "Stop trusting in man, who has but a breath in his nostrils. Of what account is he?" Too bad I have to choose between two men in just a matter of weeks. I mean, I've already made up my mind, but I wish I had another option. I really don't prefer to be aligned with either side. My gut tells me that America will never be the same after this election. That kind of scares me -- except that my hope and trust isn't in man. You can tell that this whole thing bothers me though, because this is the second time I've mentioned politics on this blog and there are few things that I hate more than talking politics! (Sorry, Tim!)

I've been thinking a lot about what's important to me, my priorities, etc. (In my spare time, of course.) Quite honestly, it would be very easy to become depressed with our earthly circumstances right now. I'm sure most people could say the same thing. Financially, we're barely hanging on. We're way behind where we would like to be in aggressively seeking help for our son. Our earthly possessions are rapidly deteriorating. And we're waiting, always waiting, for our unknown baby girl halfway around the world.

The last of these has really been on my mind lately and is one of the driving thoughts that urges me to examine our life. I find it ironic that we had to complete a 20+ page homestudy document, proving that our life is stable enough into which we could bring an adopted child and all that doing so entails, but if one were to look at our life superficially, one would hardly see stability. Our entire life has become one huge exercise in trust...and obedience. The Lord didn't tell us, "When you're financially sound, adopt a child." or "When everyone is healthy, in every regard, adopt a child." He simply asked us to adopt a child and to trust Him for the details. To many who look at our life, this seems like foolishness. But, unlike folks alluded to in the first paragraph, He has never let us down yet.

Whether I leap into the foggy voids that are adoption and mainstream kindergarten or sign my name with great trepidation to a voter's ballot, what is important is in Whom I place my trust. If I remember that, I can breathe easier.

**I love the song above, which I assume is taken from Psalm 46. I am VERY picky about my worship music choices, so I was pleasantly surprised to hear this song on the radio. I plugged it into this blog for now, for those who would like to hear it. Just turn up your speakers. Or turn them down, if you are so inclined.

Let's Hear it for the Boy(s)

2008-10-07T21:30:00.000-07:00

Its not my favorite way of posting, but due to the absolute craziness of life right now, I'm just going to post a few updates. Forgive me!

Shark Boy did indeed lose his first tooth last Friday. And promptly swallowed it. (It was snack time at school.) His teacher and I assured him that he could write a note to the Tooth Fairy explaining what had happened and that he would still receive a reward for his lost (literally) tooth. He was content with that and thrilled when the Tooth Fairy did indeed come through as we said she would.

We had discovered that our months-old camera was broken just days before, thus I have no photos of this monumental occasion...yet. Thank goodness for the Office Depot Protection Plan. (Our electronics seem to have my tendency towards accidents. Go figure.) Hopefully we'll have a replacement soon.

My foot continues to be a real pain. (Sorry. Couldn't resist.) It seemed to improve quickly, but I think I did too much on it too soon, so I've been back on the crutches for the last two days. Phooey. It has been extremely frustrating. Few things bother me more than feeling helpless, so its taken a lot of creativity and energy on my part to keep my attitude positive. (I think the only one more frustrated than I would be our poor puppy. I'm usually the one who walks her or at least keeps her moving throughout the day.) I did my grocery shopping with an electric scooter today. I'm all about humiliation, let me tell you! Nothing quite like trucking around on a scooter, passing little old ladies with walkers on the cereal aisle. I just couldn't figure out how else to do it -- can't push a grocery cart when you have to use your hands to move your crutches. And then there's the clingy 3 year-old.... He got to ride on my lap. It made his day.

Going back to the nearly 6 year-old: He has "stayed on green" for, gosh, two and a half weeks now. We are so thrilled. HE is so thrilled. Its all about the power of prayer, I assure you. That little guy has come SO far in the last year, its unbelievable.

I never posted an update regarding his IEP meeting. I sat down to do it multiple times, but never could find the motivation to go into it. It ended up not being an IEP meeting at all. It was what they call a Functional Behavior Assessment. Its what they usually do with kids who are exhibiting problem behavior (ie being bad) in an attempt to get them to stop said behavior or else certain agreed upon consequences would take place. We were not told that it would be a FBA. We were told that we would be revising his IEP. But I digress. Let me just summarize by saying that the gal in charge of his IEP is going to be a challenge with which to work. She basically announced to all present at the meeting that she felt our son was acting out to get attention. In other words, he's a brat. And she continued with that attitude throughout the meeting. This is a woman supposedly trained in special education services. I am convinced that she was more concerned about his behavior than his teacher and find it interesting that most of his issues occur(ed) while under the former's watch. All such behaviors were reported to me by this gal, with never a word from the teacher. But again, I digress! (See, this is why I avoided posting on it for so long. Its very complicated and almost seems moot because he IS doing so well right now.) On a more positive note, his teacher and the school psychologist seemed to actually be familiar with the needs of children with autism and I think we had a productive discussion with them in terms of ideas to try with our son to help things work more successfully for all involved. AND his teacher reported that he has been doing very well in terms of his actual academic, individual work time. What mama wouldn't be thrilled to hear that??

While in bragging mode, I cannot forget to mention my uber-talented hubby, who spent the weekend taking part in a whirlwind international book tour with a group of fellow young adult, fantasy fiction writers. Okay, so they only went to Canada, but these days it requires a passport, so travelling to Canada almost seems exotic. Almost. They also hit a couple locations around our state. For the curious, you can view video clips of their tour here.

Also, I would be remiss if I forgot to mention the crazy news over at our adoption blog, again.

And so, my brief update has blossomed into an multi-paragraphed monologue. All that's missing is a thesis statement. Sorry!

**Photos from a fundraising event held by my father-in-law at, of all places, a chocolate factory. How cool is that?!

I'm Okay!

2008-10-01T22:19:00.000-07:00

I have never been graceful. And if there is some clumsy accident to be had, it will be had by me. I made an annual event out of being on crutches from 7th through 10th grade, though I never broke a bone. I was just skiing when my doctor told me not to. A year ago Labor Day I revisited my hobbling hobby by breaking my little toe, thereby wrecking that record.

Speaking of wrecking, I was pulling into the church parking lot tonight to pick up my little darlings from AWANA -- in the dark, in a parking lot with which I'm not very familiar -- and totally high-centered the family van on a curb. Nice. I'm great at making subtle entrances. After doing an entire lap around the parking lot, driving back out onto the road, and coming back into the parking lot in an attempt to find a parking spot, I was a little bit irritated. Finding a spot eventually, I tried to examine the undercarriage of the van to see the extent of the damage. Couldn't tell.

I made my way to the nursery to pick up the youngest, started down the stairs -- still miffed at myself -- while trying to spot him in the windows ahead. Bad idea. Distracted, I failed to account for that last step and crashed in a heap at the bottom, rolling my foot/ankle in the process. Tears. Lots of tears, because in the ensuing clamor to fetch my husband, ice, the boys, and the peering of anxious faces young and old, I am really feeling like the biggest idiot in the land. Nobody's fault but my own. Ah, humility. What a constant companion you are!

I apologize to the kind lady who first happened upon me, because I think I uttered a few words not approved by the AWANA staff. It wasn't the pain so much as envisioning our life the next few days -- did I mention my husband is going out of town?? -- with me not able to walk, drive, or fetch milk and snacks on a minute by minute basis.

Fortunately, it turns out to be only a badly sprained foot. So here I sit with my bandaged foot elevated above my heart and a liver-killing dose of ibuprofen in my belly. And crutches. As I kissed the boys good night, I asked them to pray for my foot. My youngest pouts and says he doesn't want to. I think he'll change his mind tomorrow when he has to fetch his own milk.

**A note to folks considering the church merger: I was offered both crutches and a wheelchair by the kind folks at ECC. Combine those with our defibrillator and we'd be ready for anything! Or at least ready for anything I can dish out. But lights for the parking lot. We definitely need lights for the parking lot....

Alpacas!

2008-09-29T13:56:00.000-07:00

We love alpacas! Okay, well, we're just suckers for animals in general. Alpacas are just so darned cute...and kid-friendly. Someday we would love to have a few acres and maybe, just maybe, a couple alpacas just for fun. Yes, we're nuts.

Each year around this time there is a weekend when many of the alpaca farms in the region open their farms to the public for tours. There are a couple farms within a mile or two from us, so we take the opportunity to visit. There is also the benefit of space and everything is so, well, farmy, so the boys can't do too much damage!

On a sad note, our dear beta fish, "Red Car" (Yes, our eldest named him. He always names things for the whatever he is looking at at the moment. We all hope this changes before he has children of his own! Imagine that one!), is now swimming in the crystal seas of Heaven, tumor-free. The poor thing had a tumor on his chest that was nearly as wide as he was long, so after letting him suffer for a few weeks, we finally got up the nerve to cryogenically suspend him (ie. put him in the freezer, which is apparently what the professionals at PetsMart recommend as the most humane way to do it) Now as to what we do with our little beta-cicle in a cup, I'm not so sure. Hubby suggests putting the block in the toilet until it thaws a little, then flushing him. We'd have to do it overnight, so one of the boys doesn't happen upon a little red frozen fish by accident. This was the same reason why we didn't throw him over the back fence -- so our hunter kitty didn't bring home a surprise. Fun times, fun times.

Stumping for Pop-Pop

2008-09-24T14:32:00.000-07:00

My boys' grandfather is running for state representative. We actually live outside his legislative district, but we try to do what we can to help:

Helping daddy assemble signs

Looking mighty cute in the process

Posing with the candidate's wife (Grandma)

Campaigning takes a lot of work!

Green Day

2008-09-23T16:16:00.000-07:00

No, not the band. A second day of "staying on green"! Hooray for my boy! He even saved his little M'n'M to show me when I picked him up. Yesterday his teacher gave him two. I don't know how he finagled that one. Maybe she was just as excited as I. But he gave one to his little brother, which only made me choke up all the more. Anyway, I'm very proud.

Shark Boy - Part Two(th) and Other Stories

2008-09-22T13:42:00.000-07:00

Yes, if you look closely you will see that his permanent teeth have all but come in and the baby teeth are still there. To its credit, one of the baby teeth is very loose and could come out any day now. The other one...not so much. Being the dutiful mother that I am, I have sought out what knowledge there is to be gained...from the Internet, and have come to the conclusion that we'll just leave them be for now. Conventional wisdom seems to indicate that everything will move into place in its appointed time. If there are any dentists who read my blog and feel otherwise, please let me know. Of course, this mommy doesn't relish taking that son to the dentist any time soon -- though I know I should. Seeing as how his 5-year well-child check-up at our pediatrician's office (where he's gone all his life) mostly consisting of said 5 year-old hiding under a chair and screaming like a banshee, can you blame me? (Incidentally, this is the same pediatrician whose own son with autism has to be totally put under anesthesia for dental check-ups.) I have a few other things I have to deal with right now. Like school.

School is still not going terribly well. I get the impression that my son really enjoys school. He comes home happy and relatively mellow. Those are good signs. But apparently he is still not behaving as expected at school at times, which has resulted in several disciplinary incidents and even his having to be restrained by staff. Those are bad signs. Now, let me just say up front that I don't blame the school at all for disciplining my son. We discipline him too in those same circumstances. We just do it differently. And we try to adjust the circumstances so that he does not act out, as we are trying to understand what makes him act out. So now the school is wondering what to do with him. Something needs to be done here, they tell me. I ask them when we can meet to talk and put some things into place. Last week they told me it would happen this week. This week they are telling me it will happen next week. What are we to do in the meantime, I ask. Isn't there some way we could meet earlier so we don't have these same incidents played out day after day for another week? No, they say, we can't meet until next week. And in the meantime he needs to learn that his behavior is not acceptable, they say. Right. Like we haven't been working on that one for the last 5 years!
Again, I'm not trying to criticize the school. I am simply frustrated. You wouldn't throw a kid with no legs in a pool and expect them to just pick up swimming because they are in a pool. Children with autism have difficulty with social behavior. Its one of the key components of their make-up. It is what many autism professionals call a "core deficit". You can't throw a child with autism in a kindergarten class with 25 other kids and one teacher and expect them to just do something that they by nature simply can't do. You give the kid with no legs a kick board and an instructor in tune to that child's needs and sure, you can teach him to swim. So why not put some things in place for the child with autism? Well, if we ever have our meeting we're sure going to try.
Please pray for us as we navigate this road. I worked in public schools for two years and got to see the educator's side. I never dreamed I would have to walk the parent-with-a-special-needs-child side. I want to be sensitive to the fact that there are 24 other "normal" kids in the class that are entitled to an education free of being poked and prodded by their autistic classmate. I get that. I just want my son to have a chance too. A chance to avoid being the weird kid who gets in trouble all the time. Pray that we can figure out a way to make sure he is getting what he needs, without being seen as difficult parents.
Pray for our son's little heart, because he really and truly does not grasp why he gets in trouble all the time. Can you imagine that? Getting yelled at wherever you go and not understanding why? Its so complicated in his mind. He knows that hitting is wrong, but many times what he is doing that may in fact involve hitting to him does not qualify as hitting. He will hit someone in a certain manner and you can call him on it at that very second and he will deny to his grave that he hit that person. He will burst into the most horrible tears because to him it wasn't hitting, it was some other strange form of communication that only he understands -- but he doesn't know that he is the only one that understands it. It is truly bizarre and frustrating and heartbreaking and fascinating and all a part of who he is. This Sunday in church he quite deliberately knocked my coffee cup so that my coffee spilled down my arm and on the floor. And then he just stared at me and at the coffee and was completely and utterly baffled that I should be upset and that what he had done was not in the slightest bit acceptable or amusing. I took him out to the hallway to talk to him and he looked at me like he could not fathom what I was talking about. How could I be mad? I just wanted to hold him and cry at the complete hopelessness of it all. Thank the Lord for the sermon on grace that followed when I returned to the service. His grace is sufficient. That verse was the Rock that I clung to in the year preceding my son's diagnosis. And it is the same one I cling to now in this crazy sea He has seen fit for me to flail in for a while.

Note: Today was the first day in a week of school days that he did not receive some sort of discipline at school. I praise the Lord for that and seek His grace for tomorrow.

Another note: We have nearly completed the 5-hour RDI DVD and are so encouraged. We feel that this intervention would be a great fit for our son -- we just have to come up with the $4000 out-of-pocket to implement it. Good heavens. Makes you wish Sarah Palin actually had a chance at winning. (Okay, so it makes me wish that. Unfortunately, I don't think that's going to happen, but that's just my opinion and that's all I've got to say about that.)

Hey now, the Dream is Over

2008-09-16T15:47:00.007-07:00

Okay, so its not that bad, but the honeymoon period has indeed ended. I knew as soon as I went to pick him up and realized that the resource room gal was waiting with him. I wouldn't say she was surprised, but she did seem a little resigned to admit that we his parents indeed knew what we were talking about. It would seem that, in her words, our son "doesn't do well with the word 'no' and doesn't seem to think that the rules that the other kids follow apply to him". Um, yeah. That's pretty much the definition of your typical child with Aspergers/High-Functioning Autism. No surprise there. Now as to what we're going to do about it, she says she has some ideas and would like to meet with us next week to set up his new IEP. Seeing as how my son himself already divulged that he has broken in the classroom discipline system -- not in those words -- this should prove to be an interesting week. (He said that he got a "yellow card," which is a warning, and didn't receive a reward like the other kids.) I think I've been holding my breath since the first day of school. The good news is that now I can exhale. The bad news is that things are going to get a lot more complicated. Time to revisit the Psalms!

What Child is This??

2008-09-12T09:31:00.000-07:00

Shock and awe. That's how I would describe what I feel about how well my son is doing this week. He happily hops aboard the bus each morning, waving goodbye with a grin. Each afternoon, he follows his teacher and fellow classmates out the door, waits for his teacher to release him to me, then rushes over and lets me hug him! He's tired, but with the exception of one day, has been mostly mellow until bedtime. I cannot even begin to describe how much of a change this is -- you really have to know him to understand. I don't know if its due to the novelty of kindergarten, the level of stimulation he has all day, or just the fact that the rest of us are more relaxed with the schedule change. I do know that all the prayer has played a significant role in his success thus far! (Thank you!) I honestly had no idea that he would do this well. I am so pleased! Now we must pray that he will continue to thrive as he adjusts for the long haul.

My little guy has been doing well too. He is just as happy as a three-year-old can be getting to have mommy to himself all day. As I alluded to above, things are just so much calmer around here and that helps significantly in how we all cope. I'm not as exhausted in the evenings and can get more done, too.

The picture above right is from an evening jaunt to the Puget Sound this past weekend. I was able to stock up on more boy-on-the-beach photos, of course, but also snapped this photo of my fearless child investigating a couple of (harmless) jellyfish that had washed ashore. Fun stuff!

Wordless Wednesday

2008-09-10T16:54:00.000-07:00

How to Save a Life

2008-09-10T11:43:00.000-07:00

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/09/10/rescue.at.sea/index.html

Autism Fact Sheet

2008-09-07T21:35:00.001-07:00

I've had several people ask me for more information about autism lately. I found this fact sheet, hypothetically written from the perspective of a child with autism, to be a better-written one than many others: http://www.autism-help.org/tell-you-autism-asperger%27s.htm .

Obviously, its pretty general, not specific to my particular son, but I think it covers a lot of the basics. I also found it ironic that the site has a header photo of a boy in the waves -- my boy's favorite place to be!

First Day of School...For Real

2008-09-05T15:47:00.000-07:00

My boy is officially a Kindergartner! He reported that his favorite part of the day was riding the bus -- he's been looking forward to that ever since he learned what a school bus was -- and that he got to go to gym twice and got lost coming back both times. (I'll press for more details later!) There are few things he hates more than to be pestered about his day. It will usually come out in completely random fashion at a later time. In the meantime, some pictures:

First Day of School...Sort of

2008-09-04T15:58:00.000-07:00

Wednesday was Kindergarten Orientation. Not to be confused with Kindergarten Round-Up. That took place in May. Or Kindergarten Registration. That took place following Kindergarten Round-Up. No, Kindergarten Orientation was what we had yesterday and consists of everyone dressing their child in new school clothes only to go to school for one hour, parents sitting in tiny chairs listening to the teachers explain discipline procedures, snack sign-up, and how to pick up the children in an orderly fashion, while the children learn proper bathroom-requesting techniques and other equally critical information. In truth I think the whole thing was a clever ruse to keep parents from clogging the classroom on the REAL first day of school in order to ascertain that same information.

It was a little unnerving to walk into the room, knowing that the kindergarten staff has already heard all about your child. Based on the information they had they certainly would have preconceived ideas about him...and us. ("Ah, so THAT'S him. And THOSE are his parents.") It was hard not to be paranoid. Honestly, I was more nervous about the impression we made on the staff than I was about anything else. We have had many hurtful experiences in the last month and it really has put me on the defensive.
I think I mentioned before that we already knew to which teacher he was assigned. We had never really actually met her, however. I was so glad to finally do so. I have really high hopes for his success in her classroom. She is just about the most perfect fit for him that one could ask for, praise God.
Our last classroom experience was so unique, it was hard to know what to expect when seeing him in a group of "normal" children, all strangers. He was a bit hesitant at first to leave for the other room with all the kids, but he said goodbye as he did so -- which is a big thing, in and of itself. He also waved to us upon his return. The children were asked to sit on a rug full of colored squares and, lo and behold, he held out for an orange square, his favorite color, despite having to sort of squish into that spot. He's so particular about those sorts of things! I wouldn't be surprised if he sat in that exact square all year long!
Overall, he did very well with his little hour of school -- it was afterward that was a nightmare. All the conflicting emotions and new situations and information to process left him in quite a manic state. He was wild and angry and a big flailing mess all day long. I'm counting on tomorrow afternoon, following his first full day of school, being just as bad. I'm very confident that he will be fine while he is actually at school. That's just the way it works...until he gets bored. We'll just watch and see! Another thing of which I'm confident? He is SO ready to be at school. And I am SO ready for him to be there!
----------

In other news, we continue to plod our way through the five hour RDI DVD. We can only do so much at a time, as we rarely have time together and it is A LOT of information to process...especially after a long day. It looks like it would be such a wonderful program for him, if we could actually implement it. And afford it. Its in my prayer journal, to be sure!

Also, be sure to check out the update on our adoption site!

"Nugga"

2008-08-30T15:39:00.000-07:00

This guy does not get nearly enough face-time on this blog. Nearly three and a half, we affectionately call him "Nugga" (nug-uh), which was originally derived from "nugget," I believe. But really, how often can one really pinpoint where a nickname came from? He will actually answer to it in public, so I guess he's officially stuck with it. In any case, I dare you to find anything cuter!

Adoption and the Heart of God

2008-08-29T16:11:00.000-07:00

A link sent to me by my mom started me on a "goggle spree." Here is Albert Mohler on the subect of adoption. I found some other interesting stuff by John Piper. While I usually reserve adoption-related stuff for our other blog, the lessons to be learned are pretty powerful -- and they have helped me to focus on something besides the fact that we still have four more days before school starts.

Yes, its been that bad!

Shark Boy

2008-08-28T14:19:00.000-07:00

He casually mentioned last night that he had something stuck behind his tooth. He had eaten a ton of strawberries at Grandma's that day, so I wondered aloud if it might be a wayward seed. When he brought it up again this morning I thought I ought to take a look. Was it a seed? Nope, its two permanent teeth coming up right behind his bottom two front teeth! We had no idea. He is nearly six, but we certainly didn't expect permanent teeth before kindergarten. I'm keeping an eye on the baby teeth, which I discovered -- after much pleading -- to be slightly loose, to make sure we aren't really going to end up with a Shark Boy!

Speaking of kindergarten, I finally got in touch with somebody from the elementary school. I was told that we were on the list to be contacted. Essentially, we are going to meet with someone next Wednesday, the 3rd, after kindergarten orientation. (We have an hour orientation on Wednesday, then half the kindergartners attend on Thursday and the other half on Friday. On Monday the 9th all students will attend, as the teachers will have figured out the class lists by then. We already know which teacher he has because the other full-day kindergarten class is team-taught, different teachers on different days. My boy needs consistency! Luckily the school agreed.) Anyway, they want to wait to adjust his IEP until they see how he is going to do in a mainstream class. (Or, as my mom who has been with the Kent District for 17 years said, they just couldn't find anyone who wanted to come in to work early to do it!) Either way, I'm going to keep on top of it!

I am completely ambivalent about the start of kindergarten. I know I am more than ready to have some peace restored to our home, as respite of sorts for our littlest guy and I. I know that sounds terrible, but it really is better for all involved at this stage if the load is shared, so to speak. As far as motherly anxiety goes, when I take the time to think about it, I am vaguely concerned about what is going to transpire when he walks through those doors. But mostly I am either in denial or very much at peace about it. Its also sort of surreal to be reaching this milestone -- I think a lot of this has to do with his complete indifference to the idea. I don't know how he's going to respond when the day finally comes. He's totally unpredictable in that regard. I alternately feel strange to be having a child starting kindergarten and proud that my child with a special needs diagnosis is doing something so normal.

New teeth, school supplies -- and let's not forget, riding a school bus! This is going to be one crazy week! I'll try to keep things here up to date.

SuperNanny?

2008-08-20T14:25:00.000-07:00

Naw, just Uncle Chris!

Small Steps

2008-08-18T21:10:00.000-07:00

Realizing that it has been quite some time since I have posted regarding our son's circumstances, I thought I would tackle it tonight. Before I do so, I have to confess that my failure to post anything of a truly serious nature has not merely been the result of busyness. Rather, I simply haven't had the slightest clue where to begin. The last month or so have been extremely difficult for me emotionally and spiritually; its been one of those times when my faith is greatly tested and I find myself battling darkness everywhere I turn. I found myself wondering like Job's friends what I had done wrong to find myself in such a pit. But I never found the answer. I still don't know. Perhaps, as our pastor pointed out on Sunday, my heart has been hard and closed to the work the Lord wants to undertake in me. I do have a stubborn streak when it comes to change! Whatever the cause -- only the Lord knows -- I am only now finding a path out of this particular valley. But enough about me....

I mentioned in a prior post how we were feeling like we needed to look a little further into some sort of intervention with our son. We ended up biting the bullet monetarily, so to speak, and purchasing a DVD series regarding RDI. Many months ago we attempted to look into RDI, as we felt it might be a good fit for what we saw in our son, but sort of reached a dead-end when things didn't go well with the only certified consultant in our area. This was where I just needed to swallow my pride -- and my hurt-mommy feelings -- and take another look at the program. The program itself is ridiculously expensive, but right now we are just taking a second look at it.

I cannot believe its been exactly a year since his diagnosis. In so many ways he has come so far. One of these areas is his gross motor and many fine motor skills. He has met and surpassed his goals in occupational therapy, so we are going to put that on hold for the time being and focus on his social skills. He has been attending a social skills group, which he has greatly enjoyed, and may continue to do so this Fall. Social skills, relationships, and self-regulation continue to be big problems for him.

Speaking of the Fall, in three weeks he begins Kindergarten. We had hoped that the school would have been in contact with us by now regarding his IEP, but haven't heard anything. With the offices being closed, there hasn't been anyone to contact. (I am going to try Special Services at the district to see if they know what's going on.) I'm sure this will be ironed out, but we would sure like to know what we're getting ourselves into ahead of time. While I am hopeful about Kindergarten being a success for him, I remain cautious. As I promised my mother-in-law, at the first sign that he is being labeled a behavior problem, he's outta there. (Okay, so maybe not that fast, but like I said, I remain cautious!) In any case, I think we will all be glad for the Fall and the consistency that it brings to our schedule.

I have been encouraged to have intersected lives with a few folks lately who have children with ASD -- thank you, Lord! It is a lonely road that is only understood by those who have walked it. One particular family we met at the homeschool convention where my husband spoke...and, wow! we had an instant connection. They were so open and gave us their address so we could keep in touch. What meant the most was how the mom reached out to me without trying to soothe away my concerns. She spoke openly of her own struggles and acknowledged the difficulty of the journey. She didn't try to convince me to try one thing or another, but just promised to be a listening ear if I needed one. What a special gift from the Lord.

Our free time this summer has mostly been spent as a family, trying to take advantage of all that God has created that speaks to our family. It is amazing to reflect on all the things that do help our son that are so simple and that God has designed each member of our family with the desire to seek out. We all love the outdoors, the beach, the woods, the lake. These are the things through which the Lord has spoken to us and helped us survive this summer, together with a whole lot of prayer and meditation on His Word. The next year is going to be very full -- a new school, the writing of another book by my husband, bringing home our daughter! -- but He's been faithful through one year since the diagnosis and we know that He will be faithful to carry us through the next.

** Yes, that's another Boy in the Surf photo. What can I say? The kid loves water! Never mind the fact that it was 62 degrees and drizzling that day, he was in paradise.

"Pajama Sam"

2008-08-06T18:23:00.000-07:00

We received a free trial of the computer game, Pajama Sam, from our beloved Miss Marina, keeper of the Kids Room at the Lake Tapps Top Foods. The boys and I spent the afternoon hiding out from the heat, trying to navigate little Sam through the Land of Darkness. The goal of the game is to find Sam's lunchbox, mask, and flashlight so that he can defeat Darkness -- ie conquer his fear of the dark. Somebody's imagination was piqued and this was the result:

Now if we could just figure out how to make the chandelier swing hard enough to reach the oars....

Wordless Wednesday

2008-07-30T14:04:00.001-07:00

Mini-Vacation

2008-07-29T22:22:00.000-07:00

Given the particular circumstances of our life at this time, our family vacation this summer consisted of 2 1/2 days at the beach in Ocean Shores. My husband's wonderful grandparents have "retired" there and graciously allow us to on occasion take advantage of their home (ie take over) when they are out of town. Given the particular circumstances of our life at this time, it was just right! Our eldest spent quality time with his one true love -- water, our youngest happily dug in sand as far away from the water as he could get without leaving Mommy's side, and Mommy and Daddy shuffled barefoot between the two. We also were fortunate enough to have my parents join us for a day and a half, which was a treat for everyone!

A Belated Birthday Message

2008-07-22T14:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was not a good day in our home. Ironically it also happened to be my wonderful husband's 30th birthday. He deserved so much better! All our money is going towards medical/therapy bills and the adoption these days, so there were no presents to be had. Even getting to watch the Mariners on TV was unpleasant, as they continue to lose and lose badly. And the boys were just plain naughty. Fortunately we had taken the opportunity to go out to eat the night before and had a remarkably peaceful meal.
In spite of it all, I want to say that I have a most terrific husband. He is a devoted father and a godly man. He's compassionate, but brave, hard-working, but loves to have fun with his boys. My opposite, my compliment, he's selfless when I'm selfish, engaging when I'm reserved, and logical when I'm an emotional wreck. I'm so very proud of all that he has been able to accomplish -- especially because it has been a long, hard road.
It seems that on every occasion in which I set out to buy him a card the card I choose always bears the same message: despite the craziness and challenges that we face, I'm glad we're doing it together, there is no one else I'd rather be with, etc. And that really is the truth of our relationship.
We've been through a lot in the 8 years we've been married and I really could not imagine anybody better suited to encourage me through it. Technology, specifically cell phones and instant messaging, have allowed me to bother him a million times a day when I feel that I can't go on, when I need to vent because someone is rude to me or the boys, or when I find a great deal at Target. He's always patient and always faithful to point me to the One Who really has all the answers. So, he's not only a great husband, he's my best friend.
This year, his birthday card said simply that my favorite thing in the world is spending time with him. And, in the end, that's how we spent his birthday. Together...watching the Mariners lose, but together none the less.

Photos from the Convention

2008-07-22T14:10:00.000-07:00

Below are the best shots I was able to get of my husband (left, with hair) and his brother (right, without!) signing books at the ICRS Convention in Orlando. These particular ones are from the signing of their children's book. My photos from their second signing -- of their young adult novel -- turned out blurry. (New camera, bad lighting, exhausted wife/photographer.) They signed close to 600 books, 300 +/- each of the two days. There was a lot of excitement around the release of their novel. People were lining up over half an hour before the signing -- a big deal at this event. They got a lot of press and a whole bunch of spoiling at the hands of their publisher, Warner Press. I'm so proud of these guys and how the Lord has blessed their work!

Here are the guys with George W. Bush. Well, okay, maybe not. But he impersonates the President and wrote a book about it. More importantly, he speaks on the imitation of Christ.

This time its the real deal. The guys got to shake hands and briefly meet Ben Stein, who was there promoting his controversial movie, Expelled.

And just to prove I was there, a shot of me. With an alligator. It was Florida, after all.

Ugh

2008-07-17T21:16:00.000-07:00

Dear friends, I ask for your prayers on our behalf once again.
It is becoming increasingly evident that we are needing to step up our search for more help with our son. This is such a frustrating process (especially as a believer) because it is so difficult to sift through all the people, the "experts" that are out there. Our OT (occupational therapist) is encouraging us to seek the help of a behavioral psychologist who specializes in ASD. This doesn't necessarily imply a BF Skinner behaviorism-type approach, for those of you who know what that means. It would ideally be someone who could help us decipher the dynamics of our son's particular behavior given his diagnosis. I don't want someone to throw some theory or approach at us. I just want someone who understands autism and is willing to sit down with us and help us discern our son's motivations and needs and then give us the tools to work with him to help us all be successful.
I am personally torn in regards to the field of psychology. Those of you who have known me for a considerable amount of time know that I hold an associate's degree in Human Services, with most of my training in the area of psychology. I was also just short of my bachelor's degree in psychology/criminal justice when life changed and I ceased attending college. Recent influences in my spiritual life have led to a sort of "reasonable doubt" in my conclusions regarding psychology as a whole, however. And now I'm left unsure of just what I believe -- and frustrated by the fact that I don't have the personal time and resources to figure it out. Yet, here I am trying to determine where to turn to help my son -- and my increasingly messed up family.
Please pray for wisdom for my husband and me as we tackle this issue. Pray that we would have the time to even talk about it together. Pray, too, that I will discipline myself to be more spiritually prepared to battle the cancerous despair that stalks me every day.
Thank you to all of you who serve as a constant source of encouragement to me, even in just reading what I share here. As always, I will keep you posted.

A Fine Jumbled Mess

2008-07-11T21:31:00.000-07:00

My child is single-handedly shredding my heart into a million pieces. Its something I didn't think I would experience until his teenage years. I certainly didn't expect a five year-old to wield this sort of power. My husband once told me that I shouldn't let the boys run my life. They are my life, I angrily retorted. In reality though, I get his point. Its the same as letting my life be controlled by my emotions.

This week held the challenge of his first time at Vacation Bible School at our church. (He was old enough last year, but that was pre-diagnosis and I was scared out of my mind about what would happen. I'd like to say I'm braver/wiser now, but honestly I think I've just concluded that we don't have anything to lose.) He wasn't the slightest bit excited by the idea -- a little intrigued, perhaps -- but mostly indifferent.

Indifferent is an excellent term to describe his attitude about all things spiritual right now. And that's okay. He is only five, after all. The difference is that he's not the slightest bit moved by entreaties to behave one way or the other based on pleasing an authority figure, even God Himself. I would venture to guess that even the most hardened of very young children, when given a steady diet of Sunday School, Wednesday night Bible club, Children's Church, etc would at least be persuaded to behave in a certain manner when in that environment -- if for no other reason than to please the adults that are present and reap whatever positive response may result. To my son, and I assume to most other children who fall in the same location on the autism spectrum, pleasing someone is just not important. But I digress...as usual.

I wasn't sure what to expect. I mostly hoped that he would at least be immersed enough in the environment to understand the love of Jesus a little bit more. On a more basic level, I just wanted him to experience something "normal." The irony with my son is that he always has all the answers -- his teachers are impressed by his wisdom -- but its only ever facts to him. Its like the classic Christian joke about the children who answer "Jesus" to any question they are given. He knows his Bible stories through and through. He knows the gospel and that Christ is the only One who can make us clean. The tough part is that he doesn't really care. And the really tough part is that, given his mode of processing, he may never care.

From what I've read, most believers with high-functioning autism have reached a believing state only through years of rational thinking -- ironic because Christianity hardly seems rational, on the surface. As with everything else in life, this is something which I am going to have to leave to the Lord. In gatherings like Vacation Bible School, however, I am bombarded with thoughts about the hopelessness of it all -- my powerlessness as a mom. I am also reminded, however, that I have as much power as any other mom, with any other "normal" child. I just do my best to teach him, by word and deed, and then pray my heart out.

This week he came home spouting spiritual rhetoric, all of it truth. He had all the answers, he knew every detail. When I tried to use these same pieces of wisdom as an application in real-time circumstances, he was unfazed. On more than one occasion -- several occasions, in fact --his cruel, defiant behavior instead came close to tearing my heart out. (Oh-so-often I have foolishly longed for a "lower-functioning" autistic child, if only to be spared his violent anger.) Again, I feel powerless.

Our pastor has graciously supplied me with a foot-high pile of wisdom, in the form of about six books! Little by little, I am piecing together a fragile web of truths to which I'll cling. My husband was right. (!!) Letting the ironies of life, the unraveling of my expectations dictate my ability to cope is simply going to destroy me. I DO mourn the events that transpire in my life, as far as the loss of dreams go. But I am learning to no longer see them as cruel punishments with the ability to shatter me. As far as my son goes, unfortunately he still has the power to drive me to tears -- of joy and of sorrow. To a certain degree, that's what it means to be a mom. The rest is a work in progress.

-----------

Please pray for all of us as we go our separate ways tomorrow evening, the boys to grandma and grandpa's and hubby and I to Florida. Speaking of an emotional wreck, I really hate leaving the boys and I hate flying even more. It is, however, a much-needed break and with very good reason. My wonderful and talented and all-around good guy husband will be signing books (Not always as glamorous as it sounds! Last year they -- hubby and his brother -- stood for nearly three hours, signing three-hundred books. That's a lot of people to schmooze with! And this year they'll be doing it twice!) and meeting with different publishers to find someone to take on their newest projects...which also happens to be our livelihood. If I'm lucky, sometime during the three days I'll be with him I might actually get to see him!

And now that I've spent way too long hashing out my feelings in an incoherant mess for all to read, I should probably go pack!

Happy Little Workers

2008-07-09T22:23:00.000-07:00

As we put the boys to bed tonight, their father and I sprawled on the floor beside their bed, I jokingly suggested that the boys go downstairs and do the dishes and cleaning and that we would go to bed. To my surprise, the youngest starts to head for the stairs. His older brother declares his willingness as well and follows him.
Out of curiosity, hubby and I decide to let them go and wait to see what will happen. After about seven minutes, this mother who knows nothing good can happen when the boys are left to themselves -- especially around breakables -- decides to sneak down and see what the little darlings are up to.
I found the youngest putting away toys in the living room, albeit in very strange locations, and the eldest happily pouring dish soap on every dish in sight. Both are singing. I kid you not.
I slip back upstairs to their father to share the details of my discovery. He is still sprawled on the floor. He is both unmoved by the news and unmoved in general. His advice is to let them continue. I wait it out a few minutes more and finally convince him to join me downstairs.

This is what we found:

Granted, despite the use of nearly an entire bottle of dish soap the dishes were nowhere near clean and we did suffer one casualty in the form of a drinking glass, but all parties were pleased none the less.

PS Our eldest tried to send us back to bed, saying, "You go back to bed. When we're done you can come out and watch your movie." Apparently he believes that because he has come out of his room on more than one occasion and found us to be watching a movie, that this must be the marvelous reward that awaits us every night after he has gone to bed.

Up the Creek

2008-07-02T19:25:00.000-07:00

With Chinook Pass finally open, we were able to make our annual pilgrimage to Boulder Cave this past Saturday. The weather was beautiful and very warm. The crest of the pass still had a decent amount of snow and the boys were eager to walk around on it. The littlest one fell on his bum, however, and quickly discovered that despite the 82 degree weather, the snow was still quite cold. The eldest adventurer trekked far up the slope, only to find that his crocs had filled with slush. Panic ensued and both boys needed to be rescued by their intrepid father and faithful puppy.

We did eventually make it to the Boulder Cave trail head and began our hike. The littlest darling made it about 5 feet before determining that it was not to his liking to have to progress on his own and let this conclusion be known to all in a five mile radius. After a great deal of coaxing, dragging, and the promise of a snack halfway up, we successfully made our ascent.

Last year it was a little too chilly to take advantage of the waterfall and stream, and the cave itself bordered on cold, but on this hot day it was a refreshing reward for all.
Since the occasion for our outing was in fact my being one year older than the year before, hubby insisted on capturing my picture, something akin to snapping a shot of Bigfoot in its rarity for our family. I have included it in the spirit of being a good sport.
By the by, while we celebrated our reaching the cave/stream by taking in its beauty/coolness, the couple behind me in the photograph marked the moment by breaking out their cigarettes. Nothing like fresh mountain air and second-hand smoke to revive the spirit!

Both boys succumbed to exhaustion and slept most of the ride home, so hubby and I were granted the freedom to hold an adult conversation...or just ride in silence!...for a pleasant conclusion to an enjoyable day!

Update

2008-06-27T16:37:00.000-07:00

New and exciting posts are up on our adoption blog!

The Beauty of Boys

2008-06-25T14:11:00.000-07:00

Loss for Words

2008-06-18T15:18:00.000-07:00

Leaving the Nest

2008-06-17T15:00:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is his last day of preschool. Tomorrow he leaves the comfort of the familiar grouping of teachers who understand him and are unfazed by his many quirks, the classmates who aren't the slightest bit unsettled by his unusual outbursts, the program suited for busy boys like him -- boys with autism.
The prospect of mainstream kindergarten is exciting, but also terrifying to this mother. I have been spoiled by hours of not having to worry about what hurtful comments, what misunderstandings my son might be enduring while in school. His teachers offer no judgment, real or perceived, on my parenting abilities. I am not met at the door with a litany of my son's misdeeds. Indeed, his little classroon has been a haven in which he has truly blossomed -- if for no other reason than being accepted as who he is, diagnosis and all. Outside this classroom, there are no guarantees. People stare, they declare their disapproval to my face.
Tomorrow they are holding a miniature graduation ceremony for the students moving on to kindergarten. The children all made their own graduation hats. And I am already a tearful wreck because this is one graduation that has come too soon. In kindergarten he will be the one in 25 with a label, the child who is pulled out for special services. And while there is no shame in that, I wish -- oh, how I wish! -- it weren't so.
I am so proud of that little boy. Tonight as I go to sleep, all I can do is pray as I always have, that the Lord will keep him in His care, that the Lord will give us all the grace to face the uncertainty of the days ahead, and I will remember how far we've come...and trust that God will give us all strong wings as we leave this nest.

_______

** Pictured is one of the many poor hapless birds that our cat has brought home of late. This one just happened to still be alive when I intervened. It made a quick recovery in a box in our bathroom, then promptly beaned its little head on the glass door trying to escape. It was after this that I took the photo. After a short return to the "recovery room", it was released outside, hopefully with better cat-evading skills.

Into the Woods

2008-06-15T20:32:00.000-07:00

As tradition dictates -- okay, so its only been two years, but I have a feeling its going to be a tradition because of its high success rate (2 for 2) -- we took a day hike for Father's Day. Last year we went up to Chinook Pass. This year Chinook Pass is still closed for Father's Day, so Daddy got to choose a new location. Today we discovered the western regions of Tiger Mountain. The name had our youngest a little worried, but we assured him that we weren't likely to run into cats of any kind and he perked up as much as any 3 year-old can when faced with a hike in a dirty diaper -- discovered halfway up the trail. We had a replacement diaper, but lacked the wipes necessary to make the transition. But I digress.... Our eldest was definitely up to the task, especially when we told him that one of the trails was called "Poo-Poo Trail," and that it leads to "Poo-Poo Point". Really. And that the "Bus Trail" does indeed feature a hollowed out Greyhound Bus, which he translated as a "puppy bus" and called it such from that point on. A fun time was had by all, including Rose (the Dog) who made some friends at a swampy lake and experienced her first attempt at swimming. Some snapshots of our day:

Warning: Contains Scotch Broom

2008-06-04T11:03:00.000-07:00

Full Circle

2008-06-02T13:20:00.001-07:00

We haven't had good news for a long time, but today...an answer to prayer. (For another answer to prayer, see our other site)

You'll recall how we were told that my son would automatically be put into the full-day kindergarten program, due to his team's belief that it would be the most beneficial to him. When we went to kindergarten registration at his school, however, we were told that no, this could not be the case. Prepared for such an answer, I gave them the name of the Special Services gal who we were told had made the arrangements for us. That didn't go too well either.

Two days later, I got a call from the principal at the school who said he wanted to clear up some misinformation I'd been given. He informed me that my son would still have to be entered into the kindergarten lottery, but should his name not be drawn, they would figure out a way for him to have a customized full-day program (ie. half day kindergarten + half a day of resource room pull-out time).

Now, I do want to say here that it is an unusual feeling for me to want my son to bypass the "normal" means of getting into full-day kindergarten. I sort of feel guilty that he could be given this special privilege. But then I think, well, I would gladly give up the special privilege to have a "normal" child, doing things the "normal" way. Just as I assume many handicapped people would be willing to give up their designated parking spots for "normal" bodies. But they need those spots to function, just as my son needs a certain program to be successful. Guess its just one of those things to which I'm going to have to adjust. But I digress...

It was a couple weeks until the lottery was to take place, so in the meantime we just prayed for God's will to be done, knowing that with God orchestrating things our son would end up exactly where he needed to be.

To make a long story somewhat shorter, last Wednesday was the lottery drawing. We were unsure as to whether we were supposed to contact the school or wait on them to find out the results. After two days of no contact, I called them this morning to learn that he has indeed been drawn for the full-day program! (And we don't have to pay for it!)

So nice to start the week with good news!

My Angry Son

2008-05-29T16:12:00.000-07:00

My Angry Son

I ache to understand you

the need in you

-the driving

torturing force

erupting

lashing out

(lashing inward?)

I ache to understand

the rage in you

imprisoning

your vibrant spirit

barring you

from that sure love

you must be seeking...

talk to me!

- Grace Sandness

Belated Birthday Pictures

2008-05-28T12:49:00.000-07:00

My little "Cowboy" turned 3 on May 17th! We had his "hossie"-themed party on the 18th....

This is my nephew, Cyprian. His birthday is May 17th too -- just two years later!

Tough Times

2008-05-21T22:05:00.000-07:00

When You lead me to the valley of vision
I can see You in the heights
And though my humbling wouldn’t be my decision
It’s here Your glory shines so bright
So let me learn that the cross precedes the crown
To be low is to be high
That the valley’s where You make me more like Christ
Let me find Your grace in the valley
Let me find Your life in my death
Let me find Your joy in my sorrow
Your wealth in my need
That You’re near with every breath
In the valley
In the daytime there are stars in the heavens
But they only shine at night
And the deeper that I go into darkness
The more I see their radiant light
So let me learn that my losses are my gain
To be broken is to heal
That the valley’s where Your power is revealed

-In the Valley by Bob Kauflin

Things have been really tough lately. Sometimes I can hardly stand it. Most days I don't feel like I'm being refined, I feel like I'm being smashed into a million pieces. For those of you who have been sending support my way, I want to thank you. And apologize for not being better at responding. Sometimes I just don't have the words. Or the strength. But you are all so appreciated. Keep us in your prayers.

3 in 3 Days

2008-05-14T15:25:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day, Our Way

2008-05-12T21:29:00.000-07:00

The past several years we have celebrated Mother's Day with a trip to the Seattle Arboretum. We usually have a picnic lunch and just let the boys wander. This year, despite the cold, we opted for the Bellevue Botanical Gardens. For some miraculous reason, everyone behaved and we had a very nice time.

See Baby Girl Come Home for my super special Mother's Day present....

Latest Handiwork

2008-05-12T21:17:00.001-07:00

This is either the "Mystery Machine" (from Scooby Doo) or his toy monster truck/van, "Rollin' Thunder": (drawn at OT)
Here we have two dinosaurs.... (drawn at school)
This is a picture he drew of me during Sunday School. The dot by my head is a star sticker. Not sure of the significance!
And my personal favorite, drawn at school just last week, an assortment of bugs:

Cabela's

2008-05-07T12:01:00.000-07:00

One boy loved the shooting gallery, the other did not. (Thank goodness for Mommy's coat.) Both boys loved playing hide-and-seek in the camo section. One boy hid and could not be found, the other filled his diaper and could easily be found. Both boys are photogenic, Mommy is not.

Quote of the day: Upon hearing Daddy's exclamation regarding the numerous roundabouts taking over Lacey, Washington, the eldest wryly remarked, "Well, they have to put them somewhere."

In Over My Head

2008-05-06T21:53:00.000-07:00

"I can't do this," I thought to myself as I followed the distant figure of my 5 year-old son across the sand dunes. "God, please give me the words to say to him. I have no idea what to say to him."

He looks back over his shoulder...and picks up his pace. The distance between us is increasing, but I don't run after him. I steadily trudge through the thick, tall grass, up and down, up and down the dunes. He is nearing the houses now, a good distance from the actual beach where we started. I call to him, asking him to slow down and wait for me. I don't tell him to come back, as I know that will only make him move faster. Stubbornly, he keeps walking. "Fine," I yell at him in my mind, "I'll follow you all the way to town if I have to, but you can't get rid of me!"

"I can't do this," I tell God in defeat, as my little boy stands on the balcony above his occupational therapist, myself, and the packed waiting room spitting down on us. Moments before, when we briefly had him pinned to the ground, he was screaming hateful words, kicking and punching. Then he took off again, tearing around the therapy center, laughing and calling out gibberish. "What do you usually do when he acts this way?" his therapist asks. Crying, I shrug and mumble, "We don't know what to do."

"I can't do this," I think again, as I stand surrounded by parents of "normal" children at kindergarten registration. I feign confidence as I hand my packet to the secretary and deliver the message my son's special ed teacher had given me. ("He is enrolled in a full-day special ed program right now. The district has arranged for him to have a spot in the full-day kindergarten program. You can talk to CM at Special Services.") "I can't do this!" I declare, as I walk away, red-faced, after the secretary simply tells me 'no' like I'm crazy, cutting off my explanation, tossing my son's packet with the others, and moving on to the next parent.

"Really, Lord, I can't do this!" I tell Him again, only two hours later, hurrying across the busy store with beeping pager in hand. "I only dropped him off in the kid's room 10 minutes ago, so I know this can't be good news. What am I going to do?" I apologize to the attendant, explaining lamely that the reason he didn't give her eye contact when she tried to tell him that no, he can't throw things at the other children is because he has autism blah, blah, blah and whisk him away.

Such has been our life lately.

For some reason that nobody has figured out, he has become increasing difficult in the last two months or so. While he still continues to do well academically at school, he has become more and more of a behavior problem there. Perhaps he is becoming bored? It frustrates me that I am not more on top of his issues to be able to determine why he seems to be progressing in some areas and regressing in others. Shouldn't I have this figured out by now?

Each day is such a battle to fight, I don't have the brain power to break each moment down and deduce, for example, why he felt he needed to destroy all my tulips. And that is part of the reason why I have concluded that I simply cannot do it. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to figure out what to do. I'm not a brave enough person to argue with a rude secretary. I'm not strong enough to fight for his rights when I don't even know what he needs.

I don't know where to go from here. I feel so inadequate to parent this child that God has given me. The Lord has carried us up this mountain the last 9 months since his diagnosis, but now we've tumbled into the valley once again. I'm in over my head, waiting once again for Him to pull me out. Psalm 121....

** If you have stuck around long enough to notice that I seem to have a bazillion pictures of him standing alone in the surf, its because I DO have a bazillion pictures of him standing alone in the surf. And they are all different. And they all make me weep. It seems to be the place where he is happiest. I think he would rather be there than pretty much anywhere else in the world. Hey, at least I've figured that much out. **

Untitled

2008-04-22T22:12:00.000-07:00

There is a stain on my carpet to remind me of how quickly life can change. My youngest son suffered a febrile seizure last night and to say that it was traumatic would be putting it mildly. I have had countless assurances of how "common" febrile seizures are, but it does little to assuage the horror of watching your child go through one.

I had just moments before called my mother, my son's doctor, and my husband fearing that he was close to something serious. He had spent the day growing warmer and warmer, increasingly experiencing single spasms that would cause his whole body to jerk. Prenatal reading had warned me of actual seizures, but when it actually happened it defied all descriptions I had encountered.

Nobody wants to be that hysterical mother on the phone, trying to convey the urgency of her circumstance to an overly-calm dispatcher -- just as nobody wants to be that father driving home, pulling to the side of the road for an ambulance he fears is destined for his own home.

Over 24 hours later, I am finally able to lift the towel I hastily threw over the telltale stain on the carpet, where my little boy had emptied his stomach mid-seizure, and truly thank God for His Hand in my life. Last night I alternately wallowed in the mire of the many trials God seems to see fit to send our way and, as I so often have when going to the Children's Hospital, clutching at the rope of His Grace because I wasn't one of those other parents who has to spend multiple long nights at such a hospital. Tonight I can finally process, to a certain extent, what our family went through the night before, and just be so very grateful that we truly weren't the only ones holding our little boy.

He sleeps fitfully beside me as I write this, his little body still fighting off whatever infection has invaded his system. We hover over him as his temperature still fluctuates every four hours, the length of time between alternating dosages of Motrin and Tylenol, between 101 at its lowest and 105 at its peak. We know so many out there have been praying with us and for us, and we have no doubts as to the power that your prayers have...Thank you.

**An extra special thanks to one precious woman who only two weeks before was calling 911 on behalf of her loved one...she called us this morning with words of prayer and encouragement, a blessing that has touched us deeply.

**I apologize if this post comes across as melodramatic. I realize in the whole enormity that is life something so "common" may seem trivial. This blog has always been more of a processing tool for me than anything else. It just happens to be public. Please bear with me in that regard.

Something's Very Wrong

2008-04-03T20:58:00.000-07:00

Ah, people. Standing in line at the bookstore the other day, I was fortunate enough to be privy to the observations the clerk was loudly sharing with the customer ahead of me.

"What a darling little girl!" she said, indicating the tiny blonde toddler waiting patiently beside her mother's leg.

"Thank you," replied the customer.

"And so well-behaved!" gushed the clerk.

A smile from the mother, as she handed over her credit card.

"Let me tell you," the kindly employee continued, "I see all kinds! Why, yesterday there was this little boy in here...it was unbelievable. And I've seen a lot in my time. I've done this for years and I've never seen a child like him. Unbelievable. I mean, there was something very wrong with this little boy! He had his feet on the books. I had to ask him to get his feet off the books. He was walking on the piles of books! Something was very wrong with this boy. And his mother! She had no control over him!"

"Hmm, that's too bad," murmured the mother, now taking her leave.

Lucky me. Now it was my turn.

I could only think of the Saturday prior, when at a nearby furniture store my own little boy felt inclined to run the length of the armchair section -- on the armchairs. But I also thought of the many times I've made snap judgments about the behavior of other children. And their mothers.

I don't know what was more troubling to me...the bookstore employee's public tirade or the times I've indignantly had the same opinions in the privacy of my mind. Another lesson to ponder, courtesy of the Tuesday Machine.

Bragging Rights

2008-03-28T15:37:00.000-07:00

Its not too often that I get to play Proud Mama, though I do post acheivement news frequently. Usually I'm the Apologizing Mama, Humiliated Mama, or Retreating Mama.

Today was his school conference, which I was looking forward to mainly to hear the awesome tale of how this woman manages to survive 5+ hours a day with my son. Not that he isn't a charmer, he's just a handful of a charmer.

Like we expected, given the academic and creative improvements we've seen at home, he has met and surpassed almost all of his IEP goals. Academically, he is already working on kindergarten-level work. This is exciting for me because I had worried that some of his other behavioral issues and anxieties would cause him to be stubborn about progressing to new things.

But the best news of all? He will indeed be given a spot in the full-day kindergarten program up here near where we live, with the teacher we had hoped for, AND we won't have to pay for it! Praise the Lord!

While today I get to feel like the Proud Mama, I know that all these things had nothing to do with me. To God be the glory for working out all the details, big and small!

Snow?!

2008-03-27T09:10:00.000-07:00

Wordless Wednesday

2008-03-26T13:13:00.000-07:00

What you say?

2008-03-25T23:15:00.000-07:00

That's our little guy's phrase of choice these days. He was such a trooper last night, I wanted to write about one precious moment that happened over three hours into our ordeal.

The doctor asked him, "Can you wiggle this finger?" pointing to his left pinky finger.

Without hesitation, he takes his right hand and, using his right index finger, wiggles his left pinky finger! I think it probably made the doctor's night, she cracked up so hard!

Broken CPU

2008-03-25T20:14:00.000-07:00

We spent nearly four hours in emergency room last night. Our eldest crushed our youngest's finger in the bedroom door and less than 15 frenzied minutes later we were sitting, sitting, sitting, as one is likely to do in an emergency room. Much to his credit, our youngest took it all in stride, much better than the rest of us. Mama was crying, daddy was crying -- heck, we were all crying. Even our big guy. And that's where my mind has been stuck since those first screams pierced the air just after dinner last night.

One area that is always particularly troubling with our son is his lack of response to situations of high emotion. I recall, the evening before we were to meet with our pediatrician to discuss what we thought was an attachment disorder, skimming through a book and catching a paragraph concerning Asperger Syndrome, a form of high-functioning autism. It gave the example of a child on a playground who, after witnessing another child getting injured, continues to play. When the ambulance arrives, while the other children gather in concern, this child pays no heed. I remember calling my mom and telling her that THIS was my son. It was the very first time I ever considered the possibility of autism.

The door was completely closed when I arrived at my screaming son's side, his finger pinned in the hinge-side. I threw open the door, letting out a shriek as I saw the mangled finger, but also mindful of my eldest son, cowering in the corner just behind the door. It went without saying that he was the responsible party. This was not the first time the two had battled with a door between them, slammed in the heart-broken face of the littlest one. The warning of the injury that could result is definitely one of the more commonly heard in our house.

As with so many of his developmental milestones, it is only in recent months that I have EVER heard my son apologize with any sense of feeling. In fact, it is rare for him to show any emotion whatsoever in response to causing injury. Folks with autism really have to work hard to capture the emotion of a situation. He is usually so wrapped up in explaining his reasoning for his behavior that he completely misses the point. This night was not to be one of those rare occasions.

Following the rushed explanation as we tore out the driveway, his main concern was whether the events we had lined up for the evening would continue as planned. His father and I were not shocked by this line of thinking, we'd experienced it countless times before. The struggle for us comes in how to respond. In the hysteria of the moment, we usually -- and this circumstance was no different -- want to burn in his mind the gravity of the situation. It is so difficult not to berate him with "can't-you-see"s and "don't-you-understand-how"s. (Last night, thankfully, we did not.) He doesn't connect with that anyway. We think he experiences guilt, but we can't fathom how. And we don't think he understands it either. (Someday I will post my thoughts, a heart-wrenching mess though they may be, on the what it is like to approach subjects of a spiritual nature with my son. Right now there are no words, only Romans 8:26-27.)

So what do we do? We explain the cause and the effect of the behavior. We make sure he realizes his responsibility in the situation. And we just let him process. Because that's what he needs to do. It could take hours, sometimes it has taken a number of days. We are learning what to look for, what cues to pick up on. And its clear he is still working through this one.

______

On a related note, an interesting read is the novel, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time, by Mark Haddon, though it must be read with discernment. The most poignant piece for me is the autistic main character's explanation as to why he avoids/cuts short social interactions -- it is when that interaction ceases to be productive for his purposes that he considers it to be no longer of value, so he simply walks away. This one revelation has proven to be invaluable to me. Again, read this book at your own discretion.

A Life of Faith

2008-03-19T09:54:00.000-07:00

"Living a life of faith means never knowing where you are being led. But it does mean loving and knowing the One Who is leading. It is literally a life of faith, not of understanding and reason -- a life of knowing Him Who calls us to go. Faith is rooted in the knowledge of a Person, and one of the biggest traps we fall into is the belief that if we have faith, God will surely lead us to success in the world.
The final stage of faith is the attainment of character, and we encounter many changes in the process. We feel the presence of God around us when we pray, yet we are only momentarily changed. We tend to keep going back to our everyday ways and the glory vanishes. A life of faith is not a life of one glorious mountaintop experience after another, like soaring on eagles' wings, but is a life of day-in and day-out consistency; a life of walking without fainting (see Isaiah 40:31). It is not even a question of the holiness of sanctification, but of something which comes much further down the road. It is a faith that has been tried and proved and has withstood the test." - Oswald Chambers

*New post later today on Tuesday Adoption*

Oh, Mama!

2008-03-14T14:52:00.000-07:00

He bounds out of the door before we are even halfway across the courtyard. Holding up a sheaf of papers, he calls out, "Daddy, look! Some of these are for you."

We've reached him by this point and can now see that the papers are a stack of drawings. He shuffles through them to show us one in particular. Proudly, he points out the details of two characters from his dad's latest book. My husband had shared the illustration for the cover of the book that morning, explaining who the characters were and what they were holding in the image. Our son had not only recreated the characters, but he wanted to share them with his dad.

Whilst our son was accomplishing said feat, his father and I were attending the transitional meeting I wrote of the other day. I had no idea what to expect, but I was pleasantly surprised, again, at the options open to us.

We were most intrigued by the idea of full-day kindergarten, only accessible by lottery and a monthly fee in this area. (In other states, full-day kindergarten is the norm.) His current program is full-day and has worked out wonderfully. (As if you haven't heard!) The idea of him going into a half-day (2.5 hour) program wasn't that appealing. He just needs too much structure to his day. Too bad it would be left to a lottery to decide...or would it? Chatting with his teacher after the meeting, we were told that they are working with the district to get the extended-day SE students "grandfathered" into the full-day program! She agreed that it would be silly to put him in a half-day program and said they try hard to avoid that with this particular population. It would be awfully hard for him to get any services in just 2 hours! Hooray for the IEP! Now wouldn't it be terrific if the fee were to be waived because of his special needs too??

* "Oh, Mama!" is a quote from a book my son has been obsessed with lately. That particularly phrase, used in the story as an exclamation, intrigues him to the point that he brings me the book quite frequently, pointing to the phrase, and asking about its usage.

Sending Out Some Love

2008-03-06T08:33:00.000-08:00

Congratulations to my two biggest blog fans, Ryan and Amy, on the birth of their little girl last night! Thanks, you two, for all the encouragement and prayers. And welcome to you, Anna Sophia! Praying for God's mercies and blessings for all of you....

Help for the Clueless

2008-03-05T12:26:00.000-08:00

Or How I Learned to Quit Complaining and Love the School District

In case you have difficulty reading the text in the photo, it is a notice of an informational meeting designed to help parents with the transition from the wonderful Spec Ed preschool to mainstream kindergarten. I realize its not the most exciting thing in the world to average folk, but to this mommy, it is quite literally a God-send.

Gluttons for Punishment

2008-02-29T09:35:00.000-08:00

That's what my mom calls us. And its probably true....

Meet Rose, the newest member of our family. That's our cat, Daisy stalking up behind her. Rose is 7 weeks old, part border collie and part mutt. What can I say?

And Now the Good News

2008-02-26T23:18:00.000-08:00

Nearly every mother I have encountered with a child who has autism struggles with one thing most of all: does my child even care about me?? You see, even as first time mothers when we know no different, our heart breaks when our child refuses to make eye contact, when they show no concern whether we leave or return, when they don't try to bring us into their world. Over five years have passed and my son has yet to respond with delight upon my return. He has never once said he loved me. Yet, thanks be to God, I am now seeing glimmers of hope.

As we put the boys to bed on Valentine's Day, I was busy tucking in his brother when my husband whispered in my ear, "Tell him 'Happy Valentine's Day'." Curious, I climbed the ladder to his upper bunk and said, "Happy Valentine's Day, buddy." I nearly fell down the ladder when he replied, "Happy Valentine's Day to you, too." Dazed, I wandered to my bedroom, sank down on my bed, and cried.

Sure, to some it would seem a highly mechanical response, one that requires little to no emotional concern. But what "normal" people might take for granted is for him a huge step. Most children with autism won't even reciprocate a greeting of "hello." My son has only recently started to occasionally respond with an awkward wave.

Fast forward to the following week and here is what happens:

My son said to me, "I'm going to paint a picture of you."

Busy cooking dinner, I replied, "Oh, really?"

Wandering over to his side, my jaw drops at what I see. I expected perhaps a brown squiggle or a mish-mash of colorful splats of paint. Instead, I behold:

From left to right, that's Daddy, myself, and my son. Holding hands. Daddy and I have hats. I don't know why. The brown mish-mash at the bottom? That's his little brother, he tells me with a devilish smile. Wouldn't the psychologist have a field day with that one?!

Tangent

2008-02-23T22:06:00.000-08:00

For those of you who may be interested, the adoption blog is now up and running. I was so excited about my cool new template, but I have noticed that my links within my text do not show up unless one happens to scroll over them (ie. they are the same color as the text around them, but when you scroll over them an underline appears). Be patient with me while I figure out what can be done about it. I only hope I don't have to lose the oh-so-cool template!

I promise that a post for this site is in the works. It requires a picture that I haven't transferred over yet, but I am battling a bad cold and not working at full capacity. Check back soon!

Do You See What I See?

2008-02-20T15:20:00.000-08:00

Sigh. Its been one of those days. The kind where I feel like I've got to be completely crazy. We had an appointment scheduled to have him assessed for RDI, a relationship-based intervention. He has been thriving so well in his school program, but we have no idea what next year will hold. Obviously one never does, but since the school plans to mainstream him in a regular kindergarten class, I've got to have something to work with. Oh, and then there's the summer break. Roughly 9 weeks with the only structure being whatever Mama can come up with.

So with little brother in tow, he and I arrive on time -- for once! -- for our 10 o'clock appointment. We spend the next hour defying every rule, spoken and otherwise, of waiting room protocol. Fortunately, save for an 8 year-old with (I'm guessing) Asperger's, we were the only people there. As time ticks on, I become activity coordinator for my two boys and the 8 year-old, inventing whatever game comes to mind that can remotely be accomplished with two boys on the Spectrum and a two year-old.

An hour and 15 minutes after our appointment time, the 8 year-old's frazzled parents emerged from the consultation room. The gal we were scheduled to see apologizes -- though I was still left confused as to what happened --and ushers my son into her "play room." Half an hour later, they return smiling. She sits and begins to gush over his intelligence and abilities, repeatedly remarking how baffling it is that he received such a diagnosis as autism. I smile and nod and say, "Wow, that's great" whenever she describes an apparently diagnosis-defying response or behavior. Obviously, the "news" that he is capable of such "normal" behavior is gratifying, but inside I am discouraged. Once again I am left feeling discounted and, well, crazy. I realize that these times will happen, that if this woman spent a week -- even a day -- with my son, she would probably change her mind.

I guess its probably a bit of a let down for me, as his teachers have been so affirming. They never give me the impression that my son hs been misdiagnosed. But then, they spend 5+ hours with him a day. All this lady gave him was a half an hour, an hour and a half after he was scheduled to have it. Then she told me that at this point the best thing to do would be to meet again, just us parents and herself, so we can describe to her our concerns. Sigh. We already turned in eight pages of "concerns" and met with her for an hour two weeks ago. What more can I say?? If she can't see it, she can't see it. Door closed.

Note: To those of you who commented that you don't mind reading the bad news, I won't disappoint! But really, I do hope (and earnestly pray!) that it won't always be so.

Another note: Since I have soo much free time on my hands, I am creating a "sister" blog (get it??) regarding our adoption. http://tuesdayadoption.blogspot.com/ Its only an empty template as of today, but I hope to start posting news about our progress very soon. Really.

Another Wordless Wednesday

2008-02-13T14:51:00.000-08:00

Its My (Pity) Party

2008-02-11T20:48:00.000-08:00

Most of the things I have written on this blog have been shared as a means of explanation, describing to a certain extent what life with an autistic child is like. I had intended to always do so by throwing in some sort of positive spin, some glimmer of hope. There were many reasons for this, ranging from not wanting to sound like a victim, (in other words, this blog being a sort of perpetual pity-party), to the desire to use this medium as a means of processing my experiences and learning from them. Our family life being the constant drama that it is, I assumed that I would never lack material from which to draw. What I have discovered -- and what has become evident in the huge gaps in between postings -- is not that I don't have experiences or feelings to share, but rather that many of these experiences are diffucult to put in any sort of upbeat form that anyone would care to read. This is not to say that life in our home is constantly negative. Its really not. However, I do find that I am hard-pressed to pull out many moments of glowing success.

The past ten days or so have been quite a challenge. He seemed to regress in many ways, was manic and moody, and struggled to regulate himself in circumstances where he recently had improved. We have been at a loss as to an explanation, ruling out most of the typical culprits. Apart from his behavior, nothing has changed.

Needless to say, I found myself worn out and depressed. It was a heart-wrenching reminder that we still have so far to go, that there is so much that we don't understand. There was nothing to write about but conflict and tears. And I was in no mood to wax poetic or positive. I don't want to be subject to my son's mood, his outbursts, and his whims. But the fact remains that all too often when he crashes, so do I.

Friday found us at the pediatrician's office. If you recall, his 5 yr appt was not all that easy. That being the case, we didn't attempt his vaccines at the time. (Don't even think I'm going to touch on THAT issue.) So, now there we were, an appointment for a simple procedure involving four needles. He was under a chair, having been dragged away from the corner of the room with the oxygen tanks (reserved for parents in such a circumstance?) he had escaped to this more confined location. Fortunately, hubby was on call in the waiting room. Twenty minutes later, after having been pinned down by two nurses and both parents, he has received his shots. He is crumpled in my arms, crying and refusing to leave the room. My only thought was that if this be my lot (that which I had spent the last week and a half pitying myself over) I would take it. And that somehow we would survive.

Sunday we sang of the greatness of God. Of letting the world know of that Greatness. I don't know how, but I do believe He will make His Greatness known through the circumstances of our ragged little family. Through my little boy. That's where I find my hope. And I'll just keep trying to share a little bit of that with anyone who cares to read this.

Have Wheels, Will Travel

2008-01-30T15:55:00.000-08:00

Nuts to You

2008-01-29T22:32:00.000-08:00

Nuts? Why yes, I am. I'm up way past my bedtime. And then there is that one other thing. That adoption thing. For a while now it has been a sort of side note to our family life. Did you hear that our son has autism? Oh yes, and we want more children. From another country. Someday.
We started the process in faith before we knew about It. The Big A. Back when we thought he was just quirky and independent. And hyper. And gifted. And from a different planet. Then we put the process on hold. After all, how can parents devote time and unholy amounts of money to a child they don't even know, when the child they already put to bed each night would rather hide under a table than participate in a game of RedLight/GreenLight?
Months have passed and we've been content with that decision, when we've had time to think about it. We've been completely wrapped up in appointments, treatment options, assessments, recommended reading, and forms. Lots of forms. And then someone must have spiked our water, because out of the blue, we decided to start again.
As I pulled my boys from on top of eachother for the bazillionth time today, I thought about bringing another child into the crazy fray that is our home. I wondered how on earth we would manage. But then, I thought about the times when I was pregnant and I worried about having a child with special needs -- how would we manage? And now that I do have one, I realize that you just do. Somehow God has given us the Grace to make it through each day (mostly) intact. And I just have to believe that His Grace is sufficient for a bigger family too. Those of you who know me know that I am by no means an idealist. So to say that I am at peace with our decision to adopt is surprising -- even to me.
I am already being trained in ignoring the caustic glances of strangers. How else could I survive my son running across half the food court at the mall -- on top of the tables -- with any dignity intact? Having another child in my brood that might draw attention will probably be one of easier things to manage. As for financing the darn thing -- is there such a thing as a fourteenth mortgage? Yeah, well, that's a big question mark. Good thing my family already survives on peanut butter and jelly three times a day. Probably the biggest ordeal will be the one that already gives me migraines: loading them in the car. I shudder at the very thought!
So, as to our being completely nuts -- yes, we probably are. That or we like to thrive on faith. I'm hoping its the latter because I don't think our insurance covers crazy people.

Progress Report

2008-01-24T11:28:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, a desparate mother tried every medium in the children's craft department in an attempt to get her son to create. The crayons were stripped and stomped on, the paints emptied onto the table and smeared on body parts, the clay hurled across the room like granades, and the paper torn into confetti. The mother quickly learned that the only thing her son was gifted at creating was carnage. The kind ladies at church didn't fare much better. Thus, when it came time to pick up the lad from some church activity, the mother would find her son to be the only child who lacked even a scribble for a craft to take home. "He refused to do the craft," the ladies would say with a shrug and a sigh. While other children dutifully created heartfelt cards and creations for Mother's Day or Valentine's, this mother was dismayed each time to find no such gift.

Those of you who have followed this story with one eye on the picture to the left are probably waiting for me to break the miraculous news that things have changed. Alas, I am sorry to report that for the most part things have not changed in regards to the son's ability to create beautiful works of childish art. However, whereas before a terrific meltdown would precede every attempt to coerce a single scribble on a pre-printed "Get Well" card for a sick grandparent, I am happy to report that this little boy willingly agrees to write his name (albeit backwards).

Something new has also transpired: representational art. At least, that's the only thing I can think of to call it. This plucky little guy has quite suddenly come up with the ability to draw a picture by following basic instruction. (see photo) The funny thing is you could ask him to draw a picture of a man and he would still tearfully refuse. Yet, you can lead him step by step through drawing different size lines and circles to create the image of a stick-figured man. In this particular case, the drawing was something he learned at school and was proud to recreate (instructor-like!) for his little brother. The concept has yet to be "generalized", as they say, and I would still classify him as "face-blind" in many cases, but it is progress. And to this mother, progress is a wonderful gift.

Wordless Wednesday...Again

2008-01-23T10:06:00.000-08:00