Weight/Wait

Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
Toward home, a land that I've never seen
I am changing
Less and less asleep
Made of different stuff than when I began
And I have sensed it all along
Fast approaching is the day

When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you

There's distraction buzzing in my head
Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
But I've heard rumours of true reality
Whispers of a well-lit way

When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you

You make all things new

When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet
When time and space are through I'll be found in you
When time and space are through I'll be found in you
When time and space are through I'll be found in you

-Shadowfeet, Brooke Fraser



Why do I feel so suffocated by the world right now? I am weary with all the political fighting and cruelty in the media -- on both sides. The media is obviously not the place to go when one needs to be cheered up, but these days its just that much worse what with all the finger-pointing, deceit, and downright arrogance. Its simply depressing. And it certainly doesn't make me want to vote for anybody. Its frustrating not to be able to just know the truth. Who can I trust? Isaiah 2:22 tells me, "Stop trusting in man, who has but a breath in his nostrils. Of what account is he?" Too bad I have to choose between two men in just a matter of weeks. I mean, I've already made up my mind, but I wish I had another option. I really don't prefer to be aligned with either side. My gut tells me that America will never be the same after this election. That kind of scares me -- except that my hope and trust isn't in man. You can tell that this whole thing bothers me though, because this is the second time I've mentioned politics on this blog and there are few things that I hate more than talking politics! (Sorry, Tim!)

I've been thinking a lot about what's important to me, my priorities, etc. (In my spare time, of course.) Quite honestly, it would be very easy to become depressed with our earthly circumstances right now. I'm sure most people could say the same thing. Financially, we're barely hanging on. We're way behind where we would like to be in aggressively seeking help for our son. Our earthly possessions are rapidly deteriorating. And we're waiting, always waiting, for our unknown baby girl halfway around the world.

The last of these has really been on my mind lately and is one of the driving thoughts that urges me to examine our life. I find it ironic that we had to complete a 20+ page homestudy document, proving that our life is stable enough into which we could bring an adopted child and all that doing so entails, but if one were to look at our life superficially, one would hardly see stability. Our entire life has become one huge exercise in trust...and obedience. The Lord didn't tell us, "When you're financially sound, adopt a child." or "When everyone is healthy, in every regard, adopt a child." He simply asked us to adopt a child and to trust Him for the details. To many who look at our life, this seems like foolishness. But, unlike folks alluded to in the first paragraph, He has never let us down yet.

Whether I leap into the foggy voids that are adoption and mainstream kindergarten or sign my name with great trepidation to a voter's ballot, what is important is in Whom I place my trust. If I remember that, I can breathe easier.

**I love the song above, which I assume is taken from Psalm 46. I am VERY picky about my worship music choices, so I was pleasantly surprised to hear this song on the radio. I plugged it into this blog for now, for those who would like to hear it. Just turn up your speakers. Or turn them down, if you are so inclined.

Let's Hear it for the Boy(s)

Its not my favorite way of posting, but due to the absolute craziness of life right now, I'm just going to post a few updates. Forgive me!

Shark Boy did indeed lose his first tooth last Friday. And promptly swallowed it. (It was snack time at school.) His teacher and I assured him that he could write a note to the Tooth Fairy explaining what had happened and that he would still receive a reward for his lost (literally) tooth. He was content with that and thrilled when the Tooth Fairy did indeed come through as we said she would.

We had discovered that our months-old camera was broken just days before, thus I have no photos of this monumental occasion...yet. Thank goodness for the Office Depot Protection Plan. (Our electronics seem to have my tendency towards accidents. Go figure.) Hopefully we'll have a replacement soon.

My foot continues to be a real pain. (Sorry. Couldn't resist.) It seemed to improve quickly, but I think I did too much on it too soon, so I've been back on the crutches for the last two days. Phooey. It has been extremely frustrating. Few things bother me more than feeling helpless, so its taken a lot of creativity and energy on my part to keep my attitude positive. (I think the only one more frustrated than I would be our poor puppy. I'm usually the one who walks her or at least keeps her moving throughout the day.) I did my grocery shopping with an electric scooter today. I'm all about humiliation, let me tell you! Nothing quite like trucking around on a scooter, passing little old ladies with walkers on the cereal aisle. I just couldn't figure out how else to do it -- can't push a grocery cart when you have to use your hands to move your crutches. And then there's the clingy 3 year-old.... He got to ride on my lap. It made his day.

Going back to the nearly 6 year-old: He has "stayed on green" for, gosh, two and a half weeks now. We are so thrilled. HE is so thrilled. Its all about the power of prayer, I assure you. That little guy has come SO far in the last year, its unbelievable.

I never posted an update regarding his IEP meeting. I sat down to do it multiple times, but never could find the motivation to go into it. It ended up not being an IEP meeting at all. It was what they call a Functional Behavior Assessment. Its what they usually do with kids who are exhibiting problem behavior (ie being bad) in an attempt to get them to stop said behavior or else certain agreed upon consequences would take place. We were not told that it would be a FBA. We were told that we would be revising his IEP. But I digress. Let me just summarize by saying that the gal in charge of his IEP is going to be a challenge with which to work. She basically announced to all present at the meeting that she felt our son was acting out to get attention. In other words, he's a brat. And she continued with that attitude throughout the meeting. This is a woman supposedly trained in special education services. I am convinced that she was more concerned about his behavior than his teacher and find it interesting that most of his issues occur(ed) while under the former's watch. All such behaviors were reported to me by this gal, with never a word from the teacher. But again, I digress! (See, this is why I avoided posting on it for so long. Its very complicated and almost seems moot because he IS doing so well right now.) On a more positive note, his teacher and the school psychologist seemed to actually be familiar with the needs of children with autism and I think we had a productive discussion with them in terms of ideas to try with our son to help things work more successfully for all involved. AND his teacher reported that he has been doing very well in terms of his actual academic, individual work time. What mama wouldn't be thrilled to hear that??

While in bragging mode, I cannot forget to mention my uber-talented hubby, who spent the weekend taking part in a whirlwind international book tour with a group of fellow young adult, fantasy fiction writers. Okay, so they only went to Canada, but these days it requires a passport, so travelling to Canada almost seems exotic. Almost. They also hit a couple locations around our state. For the curious, you can view video clips of their tour here.

Also, I would be remiss if I forgot to mention the crazy news over at our adoption blog, again.

And so, my brief update has blossomed into an multi-paragraphed monologue. All that's missing is a thesis statement. Sorry!

**Photos from a fundraising event held by my father-in-law at, of all places, a chocolate factory. How cool is that?!

Adoption and the Heart of God

A link sent to me by my mom started me on a "goggle spree." Here is Albert Mohler on the subect of adoption. I found some other interesting stuff by John Piper. While I usually reserve adoption-related stuff for our other blog, the lessons to be learned are pretty powerful -- and they have helped me to focus on something besides the fact that we still have four more days before school starts.

Yes, its been that bad!

Update

New and exciting posts are up on our adoption blog!

Tangent

For those of you who may be interested, the adoption blog is now up and running. I was so excited about my cool new template, but I have noticed that my links within my text do not show up unless one happens to scroll over them (ie. they are the same color as the text around them, but when you scroll over them an underline appears). Be patient with me while I figure out what can be done about it. I only hope I don't have to lose the oh-so-cool template!

I promise that a post for this site is in the works. It requires a picture that I haven't transferred over yet, but I am battling a bad cold and not working at full capacity. Check back soon!

Ah, Sovereign Lord

My dear friend and I have been studying the book of Jeremiah together for nearly a year now. Week after week my heart is blessed by the sovereignty of God in the lives of His people...including myself. More than once Jeremiah cries out to the Lord in confusion. Why these events? Why this suffering? Why now?

It was two years ago at Christmastime that my husband and I made the decision to adopt. Even at the time, it was not a decision we made lightly. Apart from the obvious implications of adding another child, we knew the process would be long and heart-wrenching. But we really had no idea how much so.

When it became obvious that my son's difficult behaviors were something a little more serious, we made the incredibly difficult decision to put the adoption on hold. Before we threw our hearts -- and resources -- into an adopted child, we first had the responsibility to help the child we had. It had reached the point where I could barely cope with our life at home, how could I possibly take on more? Though I had begun to dread each step of the process that moved me closer to more chaos, we were so close to the end and part of me believed that we had to see it through. Surely God would provide the grace we needed to carry on. The other part of me realized that like He did with Abraham, the Lord was asking me to be willing to sacrifice my dream, something that I truly believed to be of His guiding, to His Sovereignty.

Now, as adoption notices and updates arrive, I sadly throw them out, feeling as I do so a profound sense of lost. I am in a confusing position of accepting the road down which He has directed me, one that not only required placing on hold my desire for another child -- my little girl for whom I had already waited nearly two years -- but that also requires me to come to terms with my son's autism and all the implications that such a diagnosis brings.

It is my hope that although our journey with autism will not be altered, perhaps this current detour is just that, a detour. My prayer is that someday we will still bring home our little girl.

Tonight, as another Christmas passes, I am grateful...but I do mourn. I hope...but my heart hurts. I remember the blessings He has bestowed upon my family and me...and leave the rest to His Sovereignty.

Jeremiah 30-31