Ah, Sovereign Lord

My dear friend and I have been studying the book of Jeremiah together for nearly a year now. Week after week my heart is blessed by the sovereignty of God in the lives of His people...including myself. More than once Jeremiah cries out to the Lord in confusion. Why these events? Why this suffering? Why now?

It was two years ago at Christmastime that my husband and I made the decision to adopt. Even at the time, it was not a decision we made lightly. Apart from the obvious implications of adding another child, we knew the process would be long and heart-wrenching. But we really had no idea how much so.

When it became obvious that my son's difficult behaviors were something a little more serious, we made the incredibly difficult decision to put the adoption on hold. Before we threw our hearts -- and resources -- into an adopted child, we first had the responsibility to help the child we had. It had reached the point where I could barely cope with our life at home, how could I possibly take on more? Though I had begun to dread each step of the process that moved me closer to more chaos, we were so close to the end and part of me believed that we had to see it through. Surely God would provide the grace we needed to carry on. The other part of me realized that like He did with Abraham, the Lord was asking me to be willing to sacrifice my dream, something that I truly believed to be of His guiding, to His Sovereignty.

Now, as adoption notices and updates arrive, I sadly throw them out, feeling as I do so a profound sense of lost. I am in a confusing position of accepting the road down which He has directed me, one that not only required placing on hold my desire for another child -- my little girl for whom I had already waited nearly two years -- but that also requires me to come to terms with my son's autism and all the implications that such a diagnosis brings.

It is my hope that although our journey with autism will not be altered, perhaps this current detour is just that, a detour. My prayer is that someday we will still bring home our little girl.

Tonight, as another Christmas passes, I am grateful...but I do mourn. I hope...but my heart hurts. I remember the blessings He has bestowed upon my family and me...and leave the rest to His Sovereignty.

Jeremiah 30-31