Moving on

After much deliberation, I have decided to pull the plug on the blog. (I will still update our adoption blog for the time being.) My reasons are complicated and personal, but mainly have to do with the ending of a season in our life. I began with the intention of journaling the processing of T's autism diagnosis and the impact it has on our life as a family. This was for my growth, as well as providing some information for the curious. Time has passed and, while we're still not totally over the implications of T's autism, we are sort of in a holding pattern. I realize that with him in kindergarten, we're only biding our time. As he gets older, things will get more complicated because the differences with become more obvious. Maybe at that time I will take up blogging again. I also haven't felt totally safe using this particular forum, so it really remains to be seen.

That's really it for now.

S.

Perspective

One of my favorite quotes is:

Two women looked through prison bars
One saw mud, the other saw stars **

As we were driving today -- a rare day with blue sky and white puffy clouds -- my 3 year-old remarked from the backseat:

"That cloud looks like garbage."

I kid you not.




**There are many variations of this quote out there. This particular version comes from Calm My Anxious Heart, by Linda Dillow

My 8

I was tagged by Keren for this meme:

8 Favorite TV Shows
(I don't really watch TV, so this is a little tough. I'll just list shows I watch on occasion.)

Mythbusters
Monk
Psych
Bones
Phineas and Ferb

8 things I did yesterday

went to church
took a nap
two loads of laundry
actually had a conversation with hubby
helped teach Sunday school
cooked lunch with hubby
cried at church
sang

8 things I look forward to

summer
picking up our baby girl
ripping up our yucky carpet
meeting fellow adopting bloggers
summer
painting the nursery
having some land someday
the Lord coming back

8 Favorite Restaurants

East West Thai
PF Changs
Rio Blanco
Taco Bell
Aversano's
Hob Nob
Whistlin' Jacks
All Spice Thai

8 things on my wish list

getting our laminate floors laid down
property with some land for my boys to roam
a dog that fits our family
help on how to work with my autistic son
a house that's slightly bigger than the 1750 sq ft we have now
a washing machine that doesn't shake the whole house
a dish washer that doesn't shake the whole house
to pass Ethiopian court in 29 days

Off

It has seemed for the last week or so that life is just a little bit off. You know, like out of whack. Or maybe its just me. Just as we were getting back to some semblance of normal after all the sickness -- back to work, back to school -- we were thrown a snow day. Just plopped right in the middle of the week. The roads were bare everywhere we could see, but the school district still felt compelled to delay the start of school by two hours. Ugh. Don't they know what that does to people? Not only did I miss Bible study for the third week in a row, but I had a out-of-sorts, who-messed-up-my-routine, psycho 6 year-old on my hands. What's a mama to do? Oi.

You know I'm out of sorts when I'm not excited about the Missions Conference at church. I love the Missions Conference. I always love missions-related stuff. But this year it just made me sad. Sad because a piece of me is with a child in another country. Sad because her family doesn't know Jesus. Sad because given the chance to do so, I would gladly pack up and move to another country and do what I could to show them Jesus. Sad because it seems I'm supposed to be here instead. Sad because I don't know what to do with myself here. Sad because I don't know what I'd do with my particular family there. Sad because that leaves me in limbo land where it seems my only purpose is to keep my family intact. Sad because I don't think I'm doing a very good job. Sad because I don't know how to bring God glory in where He's planted me. Sad because I wonder if my desire to participate in missions isn't just a misguided vision of how to serve God.

Boy, I sound like a mess, but really I'm not. My heart is just really heavy right now. And my mind is just a jumbled mess of thoughts.

Having my eldest child so sick for such a long time was really a strange thing to experience. When he's sick, he's almost "normal". Someone should really do some research on this. Its really true. When he's sick, his whole body just sloooows waaaay down (I joked with my mom that its what he'd be like on Ritalin -- a lump of his true self), he takes the time to be polite, he accepts affection without resorting to hitting or name-calling, he acknowledges people when they speak to him like any normal child would. And now we're not only back to his particular normal, we're back to that point in his cycle where he's at his worst. (The irony being that he loves the Missions Conference too, and has just been thrilled at the idea of participating in the kids' program. Kudos to Mrs Carter and Mrs Galle -- two of his very favorite people!) I haven't blogged about him in such a long time. I think its because what we deal with now on a regular basis is just simply too complex to describe. Sometimes its so subtle, other times its these glaring moments when I wonder how on earth he's going to function in the world. I want to blog more about it because it helps me think things through. It makes it a little less abstract in my mind, this crazy thing we deal with on a daily basis.

As we worked through the adoption process, one thing we've been told repeatedly is that we should prepare to become conspicuous. Ha. If you've ever been around our family -- especially at church -- you know we're hardly just part of the crowd. Mama's blubbering over the hymns, one boy's under the row in front of us building a fort out of hymnals, the other boy is jumping from chair to chair like a kangaroo (during service), and daddy's grinning away in spite of it all. Adding a child of another race is only going to make the party that much wilder.

Speaking of the adoption, we hauled our crazy family to Walmart today to use the Coinstar machine to count the change we've amassed through garage sales and our change drive. I should note that we had hoped to avoid the Coinstar machine, as they charge a whopping 9% on each dollar counted, but we ended up with so much change we had few options. We had been told by our bank that we could bring our change to their main branch and they would count it for us. Today we found out that wasn't true. So, it was either roll it all by hand or go with Coinstar. We had over 1000 quarters, 1000 dimes, and over 6000 pennies -- we were not going to roll it by hand! In the end, after a whole lot of clamor and an occasional audience, we totalled $467.76 in change! How about that?!

Even in my "offness", the Lord still blesses....

Again, a Meme

I'm not really sure the point of this meme. Do people really care what books I've read? Anyway, its a list of books that somebody somewhere has concluded that people have read or are likely to read. My job is to put an X next to the ones I have read. So I did. I love to read and I expecially love the classics. (ie. OLDER books) There are very few "modern" books I have found that really should be put in the same category as say Austen or Dickens, but I guess these days "popular" seems to equate with "good", so they all get thrown together. And that's my 2 cents on that.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen X
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien X
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte X
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling X (almost all)
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee X
6 The Bible X
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte X
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials trilogy - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens X
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott X
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy X
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller X
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare X
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier X
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger X
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald X
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens X
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy X
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky X
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck X
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll X
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame X
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy X
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens X
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis X
34 Emma - Jane Austen X
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen X
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis X
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini X
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Berniere
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne X
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell X
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery X
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding X
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen X
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens X
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon X
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck X
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold X
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville X
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens X
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett X
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce X
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zol
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray X
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens X
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker X
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White X
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Alborn
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle X
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad X
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare X
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl X
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Seven of Seven

Hooray for memes! Now I feel like I'm keeping up on my blog, when I'm really stuck as to about what to write.
Per Amy, I'm to find the 7th photo in the 7th file on my computer and write about it.
This photo was from last year on one of many trips to the Pacific Science Center. (We had a family membership and used it lots!) Here my boys are sitting in a space capsule, one of my eldest son's favorite spots at the Science Center. It doesn't move, but it very loudly simulates the sounds of taking off...which is a little strange to him since astronauts used to splash down in these capsules, not necessarily take off. But that's just him. Our youngest son braves the capsule until the noise of the rockets begins...then he bails. That's just him. Also, note that the big guy is pictured with his good buddy, Moo, who, six years later, is ever his favorite.

In recent news, we are finally coming out of quarantine today after a week and a half of sickness. The culmination was a trip to Mary Bridge Saturday night because we were very concerned about the big guy. He was on his sixth day of the flu, complete with fever the entire time. He wasn't eating and we were getting very little fluid into him. He would just lay there, to the point that we'd have to carry him from room to room. We called his pediatrician's office, concerned that he might be dehydrated. They recommended a trip to the ER. It was determined that he had an ear infection, the second in his entire life. He insisted that he felt no pain at all. (That's very much a spectrum thing.) The ear infection fueled the fever which kept him hot/cold and lacking in energy. Poor guy spent his entire mid-winter break on the couch. Daddy and the younger guy were sick too, so we basically went nowhere for 7 days straight. Ugh. SO glad we're well again!

And that's all the news from here. Really.

Bubble Boys

The Flu and the Fear of Flying

So, where have we been? Two words: the flu. First me, then the youngest boy, now my biggest boy --er, hubby. (He's really my biggest baby.) None of us got flu shots this year. Maybe next year we will. Its hard to say because last year the boys got them and both still got the flu. One of the two other times I've been as sick as I was this time around was a year in which I had gotten a flu shot. I can only imagine what the flu I didn't get because I got a flu shot that year would have been like. Eh. Enough about that.

One thing I have been pondering (ie. been anxious about) lately is the fact that in two "short" months I will have to board not one, but two or more airplanes to fly me across the continent, then over the Atlantic Ocean, then over a whole bunch of countries, to land me safely in a developing nation. Up until September 11th, 2001, that would have seemed like an exciting adventure. Now the very idea is enough to keep me up at night -- if I let it, of course.

I haven't always been afraid of flying. (Who really is afraid of flying anyway? Aren't we all just afraid of crashing? Aren't people who are afraid of heights really afraid of falling from a high spot?) Growing up I was afraid of airplanes crashing. I don't know why. Too much MacGuyver maybe. In the Second Grade, a friend of mine died in a small plane crash, but that didn't make me afraid to fly. Instead I was afraid/still am afraid of planes crashing from the sky. If a plane flying overhead at night seemed to make too much noise, I would either dive from my bed onto the floor, or just lay there paralyzed with fear until it had passed. These days I pause in whatever I'm doing and listen intently until I know the plane has gone.

Throughout the years I've flown all over the States, overseas to Europe, and south to Costa Rica. (The landing at our stopover in Guatemala was terrifying. I swear we bounced off the ground at least four times.) Prior to 9/11, I didn't really give it too much thought. The reason September 11th changed everything for me was not that planes were hijacked, that so many planes were involved, or even that it all took place in the United States. I think what made the difference was that for the first time I was really made aware of what the people on those planes went through. We heard about every detail and we heard it for months. It personalized it in a way that has haunted me ever since.

I have flown since then. In fact, my husband and I flew to Hawaii the following Spring. (I cried at each take-off and landing.) Each trip, however, is full of panic and anxiety -- and a whole lot of prayer. The recent plane crashes -- both the miraculous and the tragic -- haven't exactly helped my frame of mind regarding our upcoming flights. Neither does the fact that we're leaving our boys behind AND having to prepare a will of sorts as we do so.

I take comfort in God's Word, in passages such as Isaiah 59:1,"Surely the arm of the Lord is not too short to save, nor His ear too dull to hear," as well as John 14:27, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid." And Hebrews 13:5-6. And others. But I would covet your prayers in this and other anxieties that would rob me of preparing with joy for our daughter's arrival. Oh, and that flu season will end very quickly!

Sitting Still

Sit still, my daughter! Just sit calmly still!
Nor deem these days -- these waiting days -- as ill!
The One who loves thee best, who plans thy way,
Hath not forgotten thy great need today!
And, if He waits, 'tis sure He waits to prove
To thee, His tender child, His heart's deep love.

Sit still, my daughter! Just sit calmly still!
Thou longest much to know thy dear Lord's will!
While anxious thoughts would almost steal their way
Corrodingly within, because of His delay --
Persuade thyself in simple faith to rest
That He, who knows and loves, will do the best.

Sit still, my daughter! Just sit calmly still!
Nor move one step, not even one until
His way hath opened. Then, ah then, how sweet!
How glad thy heart, and then how swift thy feet
Thy inner being then, ah then, how strong!
And waiting days not counted then too long.

Sit still, my daughter! Just sit calmly still!
What higher service could'st thou for Him fill?
'Tis hard! ah yes! But choicest things must cost!
For lack of losing all how much is lost!
'Tis hard, 'tis true! But then -- He giveth grace
To count the hardest spot the sweetest place.

-- J. Danson Smith, from today's reading in Streams in the Desert (Cowman)

Please Pray

Would you please pray for us? We are needing to give up our dog, Rose, this weekend. We've had her for a year, but things are not working out in a number of ways. Its long and complicated, but we have tried so many things to NOT come to this point. We will be trying to explain it to the boys tonight. Saturday we will take her back to the rescue organization from where we got her. Please pray for ALL of us. This is a very hard thing for our family.

25 Things

I've been tagged by Mandi to post 25 random things about me. At least I think I have. I've got a pretty common name. Anyhow, here goes:

1) I interned in a juvenile detention facility and I liked it.

2) I've been enrolled at 6 different colleges, but only have a 2-year degree. Someday I'd like to change that.

3) I worked at Dairy Queen for two days in college.

4) I've been to Mexico, Costa Rica, Denmark, Austria, and Germany.

5) I could probably eat Taco Bell every day...but it would be bad for me.

6) I didn't get my driver's license until I was 19.

7) I have screws in my neck where two vertebrae were fused together.

8) I hate flying. If I could drive to Ethiopia I really and truly would.

9) I did the grunge thing in high school/early college.

10) I have a tattoo of a dove on my right shoulder.

11) I love Russian classic literature. (eg Tolstoy and Dostoevsky)

12) I dyed my long, beautiful, blonde hair red in college. Its never been the same since.

13) I enjoy writing...non-fiction.

14) My husband and I dated a month before we got engaged.

15) I love roller coasters.

16) I had c-sections for both my son's deliveries.

17) I don't like feet or anything to do with feet.

18) I didn't carry a purse until I had a child.

19) I've always wanted a Jeep.

20) I love the beach...even Washington beaches. Rocky, pebble beaches are my favorite.

21) My favorite passage in the Bible is Psalm 103.

22) I'm 1/2 Italian.

23) I really like suspenseful movies...but I usually figure them out before the end.

24) I love Thai food.

25) I really, really, really can't wait to bring home my baby girl!

Angela, Amy, Susan, and Becky E -- you've been tagged!

Wordless Wednesday

(What?: slippers -- Why?: Daddy is very silly)

It was the Best of Times...

And, yeah, we've had some pretty rough times too.

Its been a long time since I've actually sat down to write a post of real consequence on here. The past month or so has really been a roller coaster of moments for us. Obviously, we had our referral two weeks ago. That was one of those moments, like the birth of a child or a wedding day, about which you dream and plan and then the real thing is totally surreal and nothing like you'd imagined. A year ago we hadn't even thought about re-starting the adoption process, now there's no turning back!

At the same time, my husband and his brother have been working tirelessly on the manuscript for their new novel. Is "tirelessly" even the right word? It has been a huge undertaking. They are behind schedule due to so many unforeseen things that life threw our way, and are now working at a feverish pace to catch up. So, no, I don't think "tireless" is the right word. They are very tired! And we, their families, are too. It has been a difficult sacrifice on our part. Little boys don't do well for extended time without their daddies. And a boy with autism even more so. My husband and brother-in-law took a week and holed up in a rental house on their own so they could work whatever crazy hours their creativity required and not be disturbed by the phone calls and emails that normally follow two self-employed businessmen. I stood up straight and tall and braced myself for a challenging week, telling myself that although it would be far from normal, I needed to try to maintain some sense of normalcy for my boys and that, my goodness, it wasn't like my husband was being shipped off to Iraq for months on end like some women have to endure. Well, as it turned out, our house became its very own Iraq. Okay, so maybe that's exaggerating a little bit...but it really was ugly. There was screaming and there was crying...and it wasn't just me! It was not a good week in our home. In the meantime, I was trying to complete our referral packet as much as I could on my own, all the while feeling like a real schmuck for thinking I could/should bring such an adorable baby girl all the way across the Atlantic Ocean to such madness as there could be found in our humble home. Did I mention that the floods that made national headlines took place that very same week? Oy.

Our nutty family is all back together now, though Hubby continues his crazy hours. Today we were finally able to attend church for the first time in weeks. This we took on with mixed feelings. Our church has recently undertaken a merger with another church nearby. My husband and I support the church leadership in this move, but it is not without its own hardships. It had been ages since I felt at peace at any particular church, the last few I attended having undergone some serious troubles. Our current church revived my spiritual life in a way no other church had, and I felt safe there. It was very hard to attend the new, combined church this morning...for all kinds of reasons. Oh, I was worried for the boys -- how would my eldest, so wound up in routine and predictability, respond? (We have had to sit in roughly the same seats for the past year or so to avoid major meltdown.) How would the youngest, so clingy and unsure of himself, do with teachers he didn't know? But they ended up faring much better than I! Let's just say its going to take time...and some serious dying to self.

Speaking of our eldest son, he continues to do well at school. He couldn't wait for Christmas break to end so he could return. His teacher (and more importantly, the resource gal) have apparently felt no further need for the behavior charts they used before. We haven't seen one come home in weeks. He had a substitute for three days last week with nary an issue -- a huge deal for him. He had his first field trip and an assembly (all in one day, no less) and came home without issue. If only things functioned so well at home! We do rejoice, however, in the progress he has made.

The boys are very excited for the arrival of Baby Jo, as we have called her for years now. Today, as we drove to church, we were chatting about how far away she lived, trying to create an image in the boys' minds of where she would be coming from. A few months back we had happened across an IMAX movie in Seattle about the Nile River, which actually flows north into Egypt from the Blue Nile in Ethiopia. Hubby reminded the boys of the movie and mentioned that Baby Jo lives (relatively) near the mighty Nile River. That got a huge response: "What?! Wow! We are getting the coolest baby!" exclaimed our eldest. Indeed, Hubby responded, the Nile River was were Baby Moses was found. "Oh my gosh!" said the eldest again, "We are getting the best baby ever!" It was pretty precious. Let's just hope he has the same attitude when his poor sleep-deprived parents stumble off that airplane!

I am, I said

I am: eager to bring home my baby girl
I think: sex offenders should be locked up for good
I know: God is good
I want: my boys to know God's love
I dislike: the irony of people judging all believers to be judgmental
I miss: the sun!
I fear: harm coming to my boys or husband
I hear: a Higher Calling
I smell: dinner cooking
I crave: coffee
I cry: when I sing hymns
I search: for lost toys on a daily basis
I wonder: when we'll travel to Ethiopia
I regret: neglecting friendships in college
I love: road trips
I care: about the cleanliness of my home
I always: check the news each morning
I am not: very brave
I remember: the trials God has brought me through
I believe: the world is getting worse, not better
I dance: only in my dreams
I sing: despite the protests of my sons
I don't always: drive the speed limit
I argue: only in writing
I write: less than I would like
I win: word games
I lose: patience with reckless drivers
I wish: the Lord would come back soon
I listen: to hymns AND classic rock (!!)
I don't understand: the economy
I can usually be found: at Target
I am scared: of flying
I forget: my coupons when I get to the register
I am happy: when my family is together

(meme courtesy of Michelle A and Keren F)

Our Best Holiday Photo

Yes, its our first official PINK gift. And you can well see what the boys thought of it!

My apologies for the lengthy absence! There is a multitude of reasons for it, not the least of which being Monday's news. We were also out of town, now Hubby is out of town -- We have an alarm AND a German Shepherd (sort of) if any bad guys are reading this! -- and we'll be going out of town again. Please pray for us. Life is full of good things right now, but it is not without its challenges. Perhaps next week will bring more freedom to wax poetic on our crazy household....